This weekend's agenda...

Meditation class at the dance studio

Drain, clean, refill the spa

Laundry

Play fetch with Black Peter

Cook some lovely food to enjoy, and to put up for the coming week

Go visit a local natural history museum

Get some exercise

Relax

Enjoy the April-like weather

Revel in feeling good

...and today....

I feel. Fine. Completely fine.

Thank you for all of your prayers/juju/good intentions. It's working. Keep it coming!

Tolerance

The oncologist said I should tolerate this chemotherapy pretty well.

I did okay on Friday, after receiving the first treatment.  

We went and took a walk at a park right after, because I had been sitting for 3 hours and was antsy, and it was a gorgeous day (not to mention, I had been so sick the day before from the allergy to the Lexapro, and had spent most of that day lying around, too).

Then we went for a sandwich for lunch, and I ate almost all of it.  That was the most I had been able to eat in days.

Then home.  

I started guzzling water (oncology nurse had instructed me to drink lots of fluids to flush everything out), and Dave went out and got the grocery shopping done.  

That evening, we went out for Viet Namese soup for dinner.  I wanted comfort and nourishment.

Again, my appetite was not too shabby.  I had been so nauseous the day before, and still wasn't really able to eat a lot at one sitting.  But I brought my left overs home.

That night, I noticed that my skin...all of my skin, everywhere on my body- the backs of my hands, and my legs- was ghostly pale.  Weirdly white.

Stayed up as late as I could, drinking water, and took an anti nausea pill per the chemotherapy nurse's recommendation.  He said he always tells his patients to just take one before bed to be sure.

But then I could not sleep, even though I was so very tired from the stress.  

I was feeling weird in my body, understandably, and because of all of the water, and my body expelling the drugs, I had to pee every 10 to 20 minutes.  Literally.

Until 3 am.   Up and down, up and down, toss and turn, up and down.  It was awful.

I finally did get a little sleep, but woke with body aches from the lack of rest, and feeling pretty crappy at first.  

It passed, though, and I got in the shower and put on some clothes.  I was able to eat breakfast with Dave.

I took another anti nausea pill, too, (they last 8 hours) because I was nervous about what might happen if I didn't, but I let it wear off, and never had any nausea.

The only really notable side effect I had on day 2 was the runs.  This was listed in the hand outs I received.  I also still felt weird in my body, and achy, much of the day.

Dave picked me up a product recommended in the hand outs, and by evening, the runs were gone.

Got some stuff done around the house, including laundry, and a little bit of cleaning, and preparing space for an incoming overnight guest.  Ate my left over soup while Dave was out doing a couple of errands.

All in all, I didn't feel all that bad, except when the waves of runs would come, and the body pain.  I think, MOSTLY, I was just exhausted. 

Then, by 8 last night, I was so tired that I went to bed, even though we were expecting that overnight guest.  Our guest arrived at about 10:15, I got up and said hello, and went back to bed... LOL....

She and Dave enjoyed the hot tub without me, and we all slept until a little after 7 I think.

I slept MUCH better last night, with no more bouts of runs in the night, and the body aches almost completely went away, thanks to finally being able to rest.

We had a nice visit this morning over coffee and yogurt, but I noticed that I felt kind of weird again.  Maybe it's like morning sickness??

This morning I had the runs again, but not nearly as badly (didn't last as long) as yesterday, and have  been fine the rest of the day.  Our guest was gone by 10, and Dave went down to visit his dad.

He brought home a "take and bake" pizza, and I ate two pieces for lunch!!

We went out and took a walk in the sun (it was 70 today).  I did a little bit of stretching/yoga after because the walk made me sore and stiff, after so much sedentary time.

I did more laundry, cooked two meals (soup for the freezer, and pork loin and rice for dinner), did some yard work (nothing strenuous, just clipping back the rose bush and the ornamental grasses that never got cut due to things not being "normal" this December).  Did some reading, and took a nap.

I feel almost normal this evening.  

I'd call that a win.

However, I am very thankful that tomorrow is a holiday for my office, so I have one more day to see how things are going to go.

This past week

This past week has been a rough one.

Finding out that there are metastases in bone and liver.

Being prescribed an anti-depressant/anti-anxiety med that I was allergic to.

Having my first round of chemo.

Rough week.  To say the least.

But the outpouring of love and support and prayers from all over the world has been so very uplifting. It has been my saving grace.

And my prayer now is:  the medication in my body is doing what it's supposed to do, going where it's supposed to go, and it will leave ME feeling fine with all of my hair on my head.

So it is written, so it shall be.  Please join me in this prayer. Thanks.

Update

Okay, I think I am ready to put this out there. I am still in shock. and feeling a pretty much constant state of panic, but this too shall pass. I just could not face the world today.

We got bad news yesterday. The cancer has already spread. How it can have done so in so little time is a mystery, but maybe it wasn't so little time. Maybe last year's mammogram missed something.

Anyway, be that as it may, my fight will be harder now. I will need all of the prayers, support, and understanding you all can muster. There will be bad days, when I will not be myself. There will be good days when it will feel like nothing's wrong...and I need to you be there with me for both kinds of days.

The first thing you can do is not ask me to dwell on it. Don't ask me for details, and don't prod me for information. Just know that it's a much greater challenge than we thought, and hold me close in your hearts as I start my fight.

Love you all.

PET scan and brain MRI

So.  The PET scan was Thursday morning.

It was really no big deal.  I didn't feel much anxiety about anything but the IV, which they did like they had the breast MRI, with  what they call a "butterfly" needle.  It was not bad.

She put me in a comfy chair, in a private room (I was radioactive, after all), and I got to watch TV for an hour while the radioactive glucose worked through my system.

Then the scan wasn't so bad, either.  The tube seemed big enough, and I could see out both ends, so I did not feel any claustrophobia at all.

During the wait before the scan, though, Dave texted me to say he was getting sick.  He'd been having a scratchy throat, and while he was waiting for me, his fever hit.

We stopped at Walgreen's for cold medicine, came home, and I ate breakfast.

He tried, but he felt so miserable, that he just put on his jammies, wrapped up in blankets, and went to sleep.  He'd already let his boss know.

I took a nap, too, and then I got up , had lunch, and went to work for the afternoon.

Meantime, Dave's fever climbed even higher.  I urged him to call his doctor, which he did, but he wasn't able to get an appointment until the next day.

When I got home from work, I was afraid it was flu, but he wouldn't let me take him to urgent care, so I made him drink lemon water and made him eat some home made chicken soup.

The next morning, I went to work, and he stayed home until his appointment.

Friday was going just fine for me until I got a phone call from the Cancer Specialists telling me that my brain MRI was scheduled for 4:15.

My what?  My WHAT?!

I completely panicked.  Could not think straight.  No one had mentioned anything about a brain MRI before, so it must be something they found on the PET scan...that was my immediate reaction.

I texted Dave and told him I had to go for a brain MRI, and he had all of the questions I couldn't ask when I was on the phone with the center.

SO he called them back, and instead of them calling him, they called me.

The woman said  that she had to ask why the scan was needed, to make sure, and she said "it's just a routine part of your work up."

PHEW....big rush of relief.  It might have been nice if someone had mentioned it along the way, though, so that I would not have needed to go through that full body panic rush in the middle of my work morning.

Meantime, Dave's doctor confirmed...Influenza A.  His doctor knows what my current situation is, and she suggested my oncologist order me a round of Tamiflu to keep me from getting Dave's infection.

So, Dave called the cancer center again, and they ordered me a scrip.

Also meantime, my friends at work mentioned that the place I had to go for my MRI does not give valium unless ordered by a doctor...so, I ALSO called the cancer center back, and told them I'd need them to call me in a valium for my MRI.  Thankfully, they did, and it all worked out just fine.

Unfortunately, though, Dave's doctor also told him NOT to take me for my MRI.  I didn't need to be in a car with him, and he didn't need to be out in public.

SO my friend Julie (with whom I work, and who also is the wonderful friend who house sits for us when we travel) offered to take me for the MRI.

That was also a HUGE relief.  Having her there with me was such a comfort. Plus, she used to work at Baptist hospital, and knew exactly where to park so that we were right by the imaging center.

Anyway, the brain MRI was not bad at all.  They let me put a cloth over my eyes, and the tech was really good about talking me through the process, telling me "this part of the scan will be 3 minutes.  This part will be 6 minutes.  This next minute will be really loud..."  etc.  She was great.

The valium and the tech made it an anxiety free process.

Afterward, Julie also was able to take me to Walgreen's again to get our tamiflu prescriptions.  MAN that stuff is expensive... $80.00 for two rounds.

At least the imaging center didn't charge me a copay.  Neither did the PET center yesterday....  so, while I ended up with THREE appointments this past week, I only had to pay one $40 copay....so we can still buy groceries, LOL....

Next, I see the Oncologist on Monday afternoon, and they will tell me then what the PET and brain MRI results were, and they will also present the plan of treatment.

Treatments will cost $270.00 each time up front.  Holy fucking shit.

But Dave says not to worry about it...so I am doing my best not to.

IN OTHER NEWS, while on the way to the PET center on Thursday morning, the breast care center nurse who ordered the genetic testing called.

It was 7:45 in the morning, and she was calling me before hours because the news she had was so good....the genetic testing came back NEGATIVE!!

This means that the genes in our family are not "broken" and do NOT automatically indicate cancer.  While the number of cancer patients on my dad's side is phenomenal, it's not because of our genes.

SO the good news is that my niece and nephews don't have to worry about when and where their version of cancer will strike, AND it means that I don't have to have my ovaries removed in order to prevent almost certain ovarian cancer.

This call provided a moment of jubilation!! Good news, at last.

Hoping for more on Monday....

Anyway, as of this morning, Dave's fever is gone, so that's very good progress for him.  We will continue to take our tamiflu, and take things one day at a time.

This weekend, I will continue to try to relax and do normal things.  The weather is supposed to moderate a little, and not be as cold.  Maybe, MAYBE we can get in the hot tub....it's been weeks!

Dr. Suthers

Met with the surgeon today.  We both really liked her, too.  She reminds me of my life long friend, Margaret.

She spent a good hour and a half in the room with us, explaining everything.  She did a manual exam of my breasts, and pointed out on my actual body where the incisions will be, and that sort of thing.

The good news is that recovery from a double mastectomy (which was the expected recommendation--I'm fine with that and have settled my mind about it) is a lot easier than I anticipated.  After a week with drains coming out of my chest, and possibly arm pit, I can return to normal activity almost immediately, with no restrictions on lifting or movement.

She wants me to stretch and do my yoga, and go back to work whenever I am ready.

This is awesome news.....I had no idea what to expect, of course, but had thought I'd not be allowed to get any exercise for at least a few weeks.

The bad news is, she is recommending pre-surgical chemo, and she said that most likely the type of chemo will be the one everyone is terrified of.  The one that makes you sick, and makes your hair fall out.

She said that's obviously the oncologist's call, but that in her experience, that's what will probably happen.

SO, I am freaking out about that a little.

My first surgery will now no longer be the mastectomies themselves, but it will instead be having a central line port installed in my chest for the chemo treatments.

That is IF the oncologist orders that specific chemo pathway.  Friday's PET scan will help determine that decision, if I understood correctly.

Anyway, if this happens, chances are, I will go through 2 rounds (takes 6 weeks, one every 3 weeks), then they will check the tumor on the right for adequate shrinkage.

If possible, surgery will take place then, in the "middle" of chemo.  Chemo will then resume and complete after surgery.

Friday's PET scan will show us a lot, too.  If the lymph nodes on the right side light up in the scan, that may indicate that all of them will be removed during surgery.

If only one or two light up, the pre-surgical chemo will help increase my chances of having only sentinel nodes removed, instead of all of them.

Summing up, the pre-surgical chemo will shrink the lesion in order to make it easier to remove in full, with clean margins, and it will possibly decrease my future chances of lymphedma from not having any lymph nodes left on the right side.

The left side has no lymphatic concerns, and is in situ, so we would be doing all of the above because of what's going on in the right breast.

The left breast just needs to be removed because of the type of cancer growing in it.  It's not sore, or lumpy, or swollen, it's just dangerous.

I had thought maybe I'd go to work this afternoon, but I did not anticipate that I'd have to do chemo, too, so it was a bit of a shock, and I need to stay home and deal with that.

Work can wait until tomorrow.

EDIT:  Oncologist's office called, and gave me a little more detail about pre-chemo.  I won't have to have the central line port before surgery.  That can be something they install DURING the mastectomies, so that I don't have to undergo an extra procedure.

That made me feel a bit better.  The oncology nurse also said that not everyone gets ragingly sick and loses all of their hair, so there's that bit of possible comfort, too.

It's been a REALLY good weekend....

The 4 day weekend we scheduled has been a real blessing for me.  I am SO glad I requested Friday off as a vacation day WEEKS ago...long before my diagnosis.

The New Year holiday was nice and lazy. I was finally able to shower for the first time since the 4th biopsy. It was heaven.  Made my black eye pea and ham soup with collard greens, and corn bread on the side.  Watched the Vienna philharmonic annual New Years day broadcast.

Then, the day after (the vacation day), we got out and did all of our errands.

There was an ice storm in the forecast, so we got out and made sure we had everything we'd need for the entire weekend.

I didn't feel any anxiety at all, all day on Friday.  It was great.

Thankfully, no ice ever came. That was a good thing.

We had planned to play some board games and such over the course of the weekend, thinking we'd be iced in....but instead, we decided to watch  ALL of the episodes ever made of the tv show "Firefly."

It was really good!  Very well written and fun.  Really wonder why it was cancelled so quickly.

The games never got dusted off, but that's okay. We had a great time.

Anyway, by and large, I only needed two little pieces of Xanax....equivalent to one half of one pill....and that was all..... on Saturday.

Not sure why I felt so anxious yesterday, but am very glad I have medication that works to help me deal with it.

As far as I am concerned, Xanax is a gift.  A miracle.

I slept an average of 10 hours each night during this long weekend, too.  SO very needed!!!

Glad tomorrow is just an ordinary Monday.  Kind of looking forward to it.

Dr. Hollen

I was so very anxious yesterday, approaching my first visit with my new oncologist.

I had no idea of what to expect, or how long it would take, or what I would learn.

As it turned out, we were there for a couple of hours.

They drew blood, and told me that they will do that every time I have an appointment.  Yippee.  Here goes the pin cushion phase of my life.

The reason the appointment took so long is because the doctor TALKS TO HIS PATIENTS.  He spends however much time is needed by the patient.

And.

He. Is. Wonderful.

He explained everything very clearly, and he gave us very encouraging news indeed.

The samples were tested for various things, and on two out of the three tests, my scores came back favorably.

The hormone receptor test was REALLY good, and the gene test was RIGHT in range (not the same as the genetic testing they are doing with my blood draw from Monday, but a test on a gene in the cancerous tissue).

The only one that didn't look so good was the rate of growth of the bad cells.  It was still BETTER than most people, but it was too high to be considered "good."

SO, all in all, I am in much better shape than I COULD be, which indicates an easier path after the cancer is removed.

Those tests have not yet come in on the newest lesion on the left.  Hopefully, those results will also be favorable.

Next step at his office is the PET scan to check for metatstases.  That's next Friday.

Before then, I will see the surgeon next Tuesday...at last.

Chances are that I will be looking at a double mastectomy.

The mass in the right side is too big, most likely, to consider lumpectomy.  It's not a type of cancer that tends to travel from one side to the other, so if lumpectomy IS considered, there is very little fear of it jumping the gap and showing up later on the other side.

HOWEVER.

The type of cancer in the left breast is currently in situ (specifically tubular globular in situ), which is usually GOOD....but..... it's a kind of cancer that tends to recur, and that tends to travel from one side to the other.

So a lumpectomy on the left may just be a temporary fix, and any part of the right breast that is left after surgery is at risk of developing tubular globular at a later time.

See how that points to a probable double mastectomy?  Yeah. Me too.

I will wait and see what the surgeon says, but the oncologist was pretty clear about it.

Then, looking down the road a little further, after surgery,  the likelihood of me being able to do an ORAL chemo is pretty good.  He bases that on the tests I mentioned above that were done on the samples.

There are DIFFERENT medications available now, so I probably won't have to take tamoxifin, which causes uterine tumors.  The newer medications don't carry that risk.

So, that's the hope.

I have been taken off of the birth control I've been on for the past 7 years or so to control my horrible periods.

What happens as my body balances out and returns to my natural hormones may impact WHICH drug I will be given post surgery.

Dr. Hollen said they are typically only given to post menopausal women, and tamoxafin is given to menstruating women.....but I am 52 years old, and he's pretty sure he can convince the powers that be that I am peri-menopausal-- IF, in fact, my period returns at all.  I am CLEARLY praying that it does not, because the LAST thing I will need to be dealing with during surgical recovery is heavy, painful periods coming back!!!

And finally, whether or not I need radiation treatments after surgery (only on the right) will be determined DURING surgery, and will be based upon what they find in the lymph nodes during the sentinel node procedures.

I told him that I have done EVERYTHING right in my life.....being a health food junkie, into fitness and wellness, being a wellness practitioner to help others find their own good health....

He made it clear that none of this is my fault.  It's nothing I've done to myself.  It's just bad luck.

I felt very peaceful and calm leaving his office last evening.

I was even hungry.  Starving, in fact....because my appetite has been shit from all of the stress.

So we stopped at the grocery store on the way home and got  junk food (why the HELL NOT?) to snack on for our holiday.  Potato chips and french onion dip!  HAH!!! I simply DON'T eat stuff like that 90% of the time!

What a treat.

And we watched "Harvey" with James Stewart, and we stayed up til midnight, and rang in the new year with a split of Veuve Cliquot.

And this morning, we said "Rabbit rabbit rabbit" to one another, and will approach the coming year with a sense of hope.

Together.  Dave has been so wonderful about all of this.

Breathe in.  Breathe out.  Repeat.  Continue.....