Let's get this over with....

Anyone who knows me, knows that Christmas Eve is the pivotal point of the year for me.

No matter how bad things have been during the year, Christmas Eve is always magical, and it can redeem a year of SHIT into something not so bad.

Anyone who knows me, even casually, knows that Christmas Eve is a sacred, special occasion, and that I go all out for my guests on that night.

They know that it is deeply a part of who I am, and of what family means to me.

That's why what happened on this Christmas Eve is abhorrent to me.  Unconscionable.  Horrifying.

Something inside of me actually broke.

I debated about whether to put it out here on my blog or not.  I decided that my blog is my record of the events in my life, and that I have put blatantly personal information out here all along.

This event needs to be added.  This is MY forum for MY life....so if anyone disagrees with my putting this event here, they can stop reading my blog!

The ham we got this year was BEAUTIFUL!

The night before Christmas Eve, Dave's son texted him and asked if he could bring a date.
You may recall that last year, Eric didn't even bother to respond to my invitation to dinner, and made no effort to reach out to me or Dave at all.

It took me confronting him to get him to even acknowledge the fact that I had invited him, and then he made some excuse about thinking that he had texted a reply to me.

Whatever.

SO, anyway, of course, yes, he could bring a date with almost no notice....that would be fine.

I was able to make space for seven at our table that seats six.

Eric arrived an hour before we had said we wanted folks to arrive, which was fine.  He said his date would join us in time for dinner.  We gave him the gift he had asked for, a bottle of TX whiskey.

He had been complaining about back pain, and told us that he got some pain killers from a friend.  He didn't say specifically that he had TAKEN any of them before arriving at our house, though.

He mixed himself a drink with his new whiskey, and he and Dave chatted while I finished my cooking projects.

I stopped paying attention to how much he was drinking, as this was my big night, and I had a lot to do.

Everyone else arrived before it was time to eat, so we sat down, and our Swiss friends taught us again how to sing a grace prayer.

The wine glasses were raised, and the feast commenced.  If I do say so myself, the food was excellent!  The ham turned out perfectly, as did the spoon bread, and the carrots with a brown butter vinaigrette.  Yum!!

The wine bottles were passed around, and one of them stopped in front of Eric.  Again, I wasn't really paying attention (it's not my job to babysit him), but in retrospect, I realize now that he drank almost an entire bottle of our special Christmas Eve wine ($30 a bottle or something like that) himself.

Conversations went on, and Eric got louder and louder.  He started repeating himself, and gushed about how awesome I am, and how he loves me more than his real mom.

Dessert was served, coffee was made, cognac was served.  We all realized that Eric was shit-faced drunk, and the guest to his right poured him some water.  I took the wine bottle away, but it was empty.

We passed the cookies.  We sipped our cognac.

And Eric stood up, and vomited all over Dave, the table, the floor, one of our guests, the presents under the tree, the rug, and then the front porch, as he stumbled outside.

It. Was. Horrifying.

All I could do was stare in disbelief as it unfolded in slow motion.  Dave sat stunned, with vomit on his shoulder, down his back, and on his chair seat.

Eventually, the spell was broken.  I jumped up and removed dishes, glasses, and candles from the table to take up the table cloth.  Dave dashed back to the washing machine and took off his shirt.  I said something to Eric's date about going out to find him.

I gave our guest something to clean himself up with, as he refused to take off his shirt and throw it in the laundry, too.

At that point, I freaked out, and went out the back door into the cold, dark night.  It was 25 degrees and windy, and I didn't have a coat, but I thought I was going to be sick, and I was having a full blown panic attack.

One of my guests was cleaning up the mess.  ONE OF MY GUESTS!!  Because I freaked out.

I can't handle puke of any kind....but still.....She took control and got it mostly cleaned up.

Dave's chair was carried outside by the man who had been puked on, and Eric's date.  I watched them from the far back corner of my back yard.

At that point, I realized that I was freezing, that I wasn't as out of my mind as I had been, and that a person with a compromised immune system should probably be wearing a coat or jacket in this deeply cold wind.

I went back inside, was asked to provide plastic bags, so that when the puke was in the garbage can it would not continue to stink.

I gave the bags, put on a jacket, and went back outside.  My other guest who also can't handle puke (who had retreated to our bedroom when I had dashed outside the first time) joined me outside.  She got me talking about something else and got my mind off of the awful things that were happening.

Dave told me later that he had brought Eric back inside, shirtless (the shirt was still outside?), and had cleaned him up.  He had also confiscated Eric's keys.

I found a puke towel on my couch when I came back in as Eric's date was leading him out the door to take him home.

It was a blessing that she had arrived separately, AND that she was willing to take care of him, because I would not have been comfortable with him crashing on our couch.  I wanted him GONE.

Everyone else left then, too.  Our hoped-for post dinner card game never happened.

I found more spots of puke that had been missed, and asked Dave to clean them up while I dealt with the dishes.

(found more the next morning, and will probably find more yet--He had put his hand over his mouth, so it squirted out between his fingers and went in odd directions)

I was numb.  I think I was in some form of shock.  Dave kept asking if I was okay, and I kept saying NO, of course I am NOT OKAY!!

I couldn't sleep that night at all, because the scene would NOT stop replaying in my mind.  Over and Over and Over and Over.....I could not UNSEE it.

Or unfeel the feelings it generated in me.

Early Christmas morning, Dave's phone rang, but we were sleeping, so he ignored it.  Then, there was a knock at the door.  Eric's date had brought him to get his truck.  Dave got up, opened the door, gave him his keys.  All they said to one another was "hi," as far as I know.

Our Christmas morning was, to say the least, not very merry.
We opened our gifts, and had our cold ham for breakfast,  and I insisted that we start taking down the decorations and putting them away.

I wanted Christmas GONE.  The only other time I have felt this way was when my mom died.

Our friend who had been puked on came back over for our date to go to the movies that day around noon.

Eric had been scheduled to join us, but he never responded to Dave's texts with the theater and time.  I texted him and asked if he felt better.
He replied "Sorry about last night. My back still hurts, not going to make the movie."

Okay, good.  Him NOT joining us was exactly what I wanted, because I would have stayed home if he had showed up.

We went to the movie and enjoyed it.  It really helped to distract me.
When we came back home, we shared a beer with our friend, and he told me that he also was unable to sleep the night before.  That made me feel terrible again.

After he left, we finished putting the decorations away.  Dave was off the next day, and he put the tree away then.

I went to work, and while I was at work, I started to process the events more completely.  I was in a VERY bad mood that day, still unable to stop seeing everything in my mind.

I texted Dave and told him to have Eric come get his whiskey, or to at least try to.  I made it clear that this needed to happen when I was NOT home.

He texted him, but he didn't respond for a few hours.

Then, he actually called Dave, and they talked.  Dave said he was apologetic, but that he didn't actually remember what happened.  (He also never came to get his whiskey.  It's still here.)

He had been to the chiropractor for his back, and was feeling better.

As the week went along, I realized that I was going through stages not unlike the stages of grief.

I tried to talk to Dave about it, and his reply was that he hoped I would get over this.

Get over it?  That's really up to Eric, I said.  Dave said "he texted you that he was sorry."

Ugh.

Something inside me was BROKEN by this grown man's childish, irresponsible, and blatantly DISRESPECTFUL behavior on my biggest, most special night.

I told Dave that a text that says "sorry" -- Not even "I'M sorry" -- is a cop out, and that it does NOT even come close to making amends for such a terrible thing.

I said that Eric probably thinks that it was FUNNY, because that's his personality.

It was not funny.  Not even a little bit.

Eric is not welcome in this house until he understands the extent of what he did, and makes amends TO ME.

Dave is going to have to tell him what he did, though, because he doesn't fucking remember.

So.  That's that.

My Christmas Eve, which started out perfectly, and was headed in the direction of redeeming a year that was fraught with disaster, was completely ruined.

This weekend, it's bitterly cold.  Our plans to have a birthday celebration for one of our guests from Christmas Eve fell through because she came down with a bad cold.

Since plans for last night were canceled, I went with Dave to take care of his dad, and we stopped at Kohl's so I could buy some new warm boots, and some new jeans.  Then we stopped at one of the local breweries.   It was a nice day.

Until I found out that my brother shipped me my wooden soldier nut cracker from my childhood, and that it was stolen off of our front porch on Yule.

We were HOME that day, except for a couple of hours.  The delivery and theft had to have happened while we were out.  GOD DAMMIT!!!

I hate this Christmas.

Today, I will do my chores that didn't get done yesterday.

Our usual plan for New Year's Eve is in place... we will watch "Harvey," and nosh on hot hors d'oeuervs until midnight, then open a split of champagne to kick 2017 in the ASS.

Happy New Year, dear Reader.... May you find 2018 to be happy, healthy, and NOT fraught with disaster.

Christmas Eve 2017

The cinnamon rolls are baking, and the house is mostly clean.  I worked very hard on the cleaning part yesterday.

I keep the house pretty clean as it is, but when I am going to have company, I want it spotless.  I know what *I* notice when I am a guest, and I'd like my guests to feel that they are not in danger of exposure to toxic waste when they step into my house! 

Five people are coming over for dinner (Eric asked --late last night-- if he could bring a date). I hope we have enough chairs...Our table seats six, and tonight, we will be seven.

The ham is one of the nicest I've seen in years, and it's in the cooler, soaking.  We will put it on the stove around 1 this afternoon.

Dave still needs to clean the stove for me (that's one of his usual jobs), and I still need to do a little bit of tidying and readying. 

The table is my responsibility, too, and I have a plan for the center piece.

I am making spoon bread, of course, and roasting carrots.  I will top the carrots with a brown butter vinaigrette.

Guests are bringing potatoes and dessert.

I've seen all of my "necessary" shows and movies, the gifts are all here, and wrapped, and under the tree.

Tomorrow, we will go see the new Star Wars movie after our gift exchange and breakfast..... and then, since we have to work on the 26th, we will come home and put away all of the decorations.

I've enjoyed having everything up this year, as I always do.  What I have enjoyed more is that Dave seems to be a little more interested in it all this year.

Maybe his new (since his "event" in April) medications are helping with that, as well.

My Solstice/Yule feast on Thursday was wonderful.  I had so much fun planning and cooking and eating!!  If I can get Solstice off again next year, I will do a repeat, and maybe have guests.

I'd love to come across some food-safe pewter and wood plates and tankards!

Happy Christmas to those who celebrate!

Relief

I ordered our ham on December 9th.

I waited that long because the ham is usually delivered within the week, and the weather has been so warm that I was concerned about storage.  We usually keep the ham in our shed, because there is literally no where else to put it while we wait for its big day!

With the warm weather, I was concerned about the shed not being cool enough.

Well, as of this past Friday, the 15th, the website still showed that my order was "pending fulfillment."  Six days had gone by....this was not good.

I sent an email Friday evening to ask why my ham had not been shipped yet, and let them know that I had to have it by, or on, Wednesday.

Fortunately, I got a reply back first thing Saturday.  In the reply, the person apologized for not updating my order status on the website.  The ham WAS actually shipped, and was out for delivery.

Of course. On a Saturday.

I have all of my packages delivered to my office, since people around here steal stuff off of porches.

I have to have my ham in my hands by Wednesday, because I am off work on Thursday, and my office is closed on Friday!

In any case, it's been shipped, and will be in my hands tomorrow!   What a huge relief!

It's not like it would be the end of the world if we had to do Christmas eve without a Virginia ham....I'd probably not burst into flames or anything... I would just be heart broken.

All of the gifts have been shipped, and I have everything I need for Dave.  Now, I just have to wrap things and get them under the tree.

I LOVE that I am off for *my* religious holiday.  I've never done that before, and I think I will try again for next year.  ( I took an extra day off last year, but it wasn't Yule)

I am planning a medieval style dinner for Yule.  As best I can, anyway.

I searched around town, and no one sells rabbit meat in OKC.  I had really wanted to try it, and this would have been the perfect occasion.

SO, I have quail and Cornish hens.  Another option is meat pies.

Still need to work out the sides.  I am also going to make a traditional Welsh honeycake for dessert.

And, of course, I will make traditional wassail as I have for decades.

My wrists have been doing MUCH better.  I have had a few twinges and "pops," but, for the most part, I am fully functional again!  Still praying that it lasts.

Much to do today, including a make-up dance class because my teacher canceled class this past Monday.

Enjoy your Sunday!

Holiday time is coming!

This past week brought my third round of cortisone shots in my wrists  (I may have forgotten to mention previously that my thumb resolved itself over time, as I was hoping the wrists would do, but they just got worse and worse).

The right side was really painful on the day of the shots, so the shot itself was quite bad. I did almost pass out.  The pain was indescribable. Almost like the biopsies, only faster.

The left was far less intense.  It was just really uncomfortable, not brutally painful.

I also think that I am becoming intolerant of steroids.  I finally figured out that the reason I would go ghostly pale after IV chemo, which includes a bag of steroids, was the steroids!  I asked the doc about it, years ago at the beginning, and he had no idea why I would turn so pale.

I turned snow white after my injections on Thursday.  Then, right on time, 24 hours later, I turned red, itchy, and puffy -- like I used to after chemo (the first time I got a treatment, I called the after hours line in a panic because no one told me that might happen), and like I have after previous cortisone treatments.

I just never noticed the "whiteness" with the cortisone the other two times.

Anyway, I had a rough rebound to the shots, and was unable to use my hands at all Thursday night.  Dave made dinner with my coaching.

Fortunately, that eased while I slept (with the help of sleep medication, because I was so frazzled by the experiences of the day), and by Friday morning, I was able to feel measurable relief.

Gradually, over this weekend, I have felt better and better, and yesterday, for the first time in recent memory, I did not have to take a pain killer of any kind!!

I will never put myself through this again, though.

If the pain returns, I will get the surgery.  Of course, I would like to not need the surgery, and am still hoping that this hormone blocker will not cause the pain to come back.

In other news, yesterday we attended a rally at the state capitol in protest of the tax bill that is being pushed through congress.  Our signs made one of the local TV news broadcasts.  Mine said "Gut the ACA = Millions like me will DIE.  Think about that!"  and Dave's said "HANDS OFF MY MEDICARE!"

There was a rather disappointing turn out. Only about 700 people, when every citizen should have stepped out and made themselves seen.

Today, Dave will go take care of his dad, while I get started on my holiday tasks.

I have several packages to get ready to send this year, and I want to work on cards now that I CAN HOLD A PEN AGAIN!!!

The ham has been ordered, and the guests are invited!

Making a list, checking it twice....

I am LATE this year with my holiday gift planning!

The holiday season really came up quickly this year.  Even our Thanksgiving trip sort of caught me by surprise with how SOON it seemed to suddenly BE HERE!

The pain in my wrists has gotten intolerable, especially the right one.  I called the hand surgeon last week, and have an appointment Thursday for another round of cortisone injections.

The first injections were a year ago, and they lasted about 6 weeks.  The second round was in March, and they lasted 4 months, after a medication change.

I have had another medication change (in September?), so maybe this round will last longer.  I can hope.

I just need the pain to stop. 

Natural therapies aren't touching it, and I am sick of having to constantly have pain killers in my system.

The pain killers only take the edge off, too. 

I am wearing braces again when I do house work.

The pain is keeping me from sleeping,  I can't hold a pen or write normally, typing and mousing hurt, I drop things because my thumb can't grip...and what do I do all day at work?  Write, type, mouse, and handle papers.

I have trouble chopping and cooking, doing laundry, and I am afraid to even try to play my instruments.

Please join me in praying, sending energy, hoping, wishing that the shots will work quickly and completely.

Once again, the hormone blockers have been the worst part of this entire cancer treatment process.

I splurged yesterday, and went to a real salon for a haircut.

My hair has grown out so much lately, and was pretty raggedy looking, even though I went to a cheap walk-in place last month for a trim.

You get what you pay for, I guess!!

I had my new stylist put in some layers, and today, I will play with styling it. 

Interestingly, she cut off a lot of hair, and now it actually looks darker.  You couldn't really tell by looking at my hair, but it seems that the original regrowth was white, but as you follow the strands closer to my scalp, they are colored again!! 

Plus there's all this wave action going on that I didn't have before. I love it!

Chemo does weird stuff.

Anyway, as it grows, my eventual goal is a medium length, "modern shag" style.  This will allow me to make the most of the new waves.  Provided that the waves don't go away like the white has!

From the side, BEFORE

From the back, BEFORE

From the side, AFTER.... She styled it so fancy!

From the back, AFTER.  LOVE THIS!