Oops

I forgot to post on Sunday....

We have had a lovely break in the weather, and it was so nice that we went to the local AAA baseball park on Saturday night and saw a game.

That was fun.

We got lots of stuff done around the house over the weekend, too.  De-cluttering and cleaning a bit.

We had a cold front go through, and it's only 73 degrees this evening.  SO beautiful!  SO weird, but so much appreciated!

Tomorrow, Thursday, is my next chemotherapy treatment.

I am hoping that I will feel well on Friday and be able to go to work.

Prayers and good vibes needed!  I'll try to remember to do my usual update on Sunday.

Only 5 days and random comments

This round, it only took 5 days for me to feel up to exercise and normal activities again.

Go me!!!

The immune booster drug side effects, however, seemed to last even longer.

I REALLY do NOT want that shit again. Ever.  During these 4 rounds of adriamycin, it was the immune boosting shit that made me sick.

I only felt the "adria" for the first 24 hours, and that was just marked fatigue and manageable nausea.

Anyway, the only lasting side effect seems to be dry mouth, so I am being extra vigilant about my oral hygiene, and hoping it will pass sooner rather than later.

Another thing that I have noticed, not sure it's a side effect or not, is that my sense of smell is far more acute than usual.  It's usually pretty darned acute!!

If someone in my office has body odor after going out for lunch on a hot afternoon, or bad breath, I can smell it like they are sitting in my lap.

I can smell EVERYTHING.

I have heard pregnant moms-to-be complain of this....maybe it's my hormones changing?  It has been 8 months since the pill was withdrawn from my regimen.

The smell of the detergent aisle at the store ALMOST made me gag.  Normally, it's way too strong to "enjoy," but it doesn't make me feel overwhelmed like now.

It's weird.

The ugly darkening and banding of my finger and toe nails has grown out, so I can stop wearing nail polish now, if I want to.

I am pretty sure the discoloration was from the Taxotere that was given in the first 4 rounds of chemo, and then removed for the second four rounds.

I have actually gained too much weight since surgery, and now need to lose 5 to 10 pounds so my lower-body clothes fit again.  There's a little too much belly and hip going on at the moment.

Too many comfort foods and too much freedom.....gotta get back on the healthy track!!

Since it's clear that chemotherapy is not going to turn me into a walking skeleton, I can "safely" start removing unhealthy enticements from my menu!

Dave has gained probably 25 pounds, so it's also GOT to happen for him.  He's in agreement.

We now have veggies and hummus to take with us to work this week for our snacks, and I have thrown out the various forms of bread that were in the house.

What a waste...there was a package of garlic naan that I had bought and never opened.  I had forgotten that it was in the freezer.  It was freezer burned anyway, so that helped me feel a little less guilty about pitching it.

I HATE to waste food.  Food is sacred.

One of our feral colony cats, the current alpha male that we call Stannis, got his head stuck in a glass jar sometime this past week.

He managed to break the end of the jar off, but the broken glass "collar" remained on his neck.

We started putting out "vibes" or "prayers" or "intentions" or whatever you want to call it for him to be the one in the trap this week.  We felt that it was critical to help him, because, sooner or later, that glass was going to find a way to kill him.

Since he was not prone to coming in the mornings for breakfast, I suggested we put the trap out in the middle of the night, instead of in the early morning.

When I woke up to pee in the middle of the night, I woke Dave up, and the trap was set at 2 am

Whatever the reason, or the combination of reasons, Stannis was the one in the trap at dawn!

What a wonderful feeling for both of us to be able not only to get one more TNR done, but also to save a life.

The glass would be easy to remove once he was sedated for his neutering procedure.

He came home hale and hearty, and is happily back with his tribe, free of his dangerous glass collar, and his kitten-producing balls.

He will live out his life, defending his territory, and hanging out with his family.

By the way, all of this spring's kittens seem to have died.  Thankfully, none of them died in our yard this time.

We really need to get one of the girls the next time the trap is set.  They'll be going into season soon for their second annual litter, and we hope to be able to stop at least one of them from dropping more kittens to die on the street.

Okay, I am off to make home made breakfast sausage patties, to finish cleaning the house, and to do some laundry.

Everyone have a good Sunday!

Last time....

Received my last round of adriamycin and cytoxin on Friday.

Also HOPEFULLY my last injection of neulasta happened yesterday afternoon.

Thanks be to all of the gods!  Because DAMN I feel like crap today.

I am convinced it's the neulasta, that stuff in the thing they put on my arm that goes off 27 hours after treatment to boost my immune system.

I felt great yesterday, and got a lot done around the house, until that damned thing went off.

Then everything started to hurt.  I mean everything.  My forehead hurts to touch.  Jeezuz.

The nurse said that I can skip this drug during the last four treatments, provided my blood counts stay up.  I will do whatever I can to keep my blood counts up, mostly drinking my herbal teas that build blood, and eating my usual healthy diet.

It worked before, it will work again.

The last four rounds will be just one chemo drug, the name of which escapes me now.

This also means fewer steroids, hopefully no benadryl, and not as much need for extra anti nausea meds (I've been getting three per treatment).

Hopefully, the treatments won't take as long because of this, AND hopefully, I will be able to work the next day like I could with the first four, which were made up of more drugs than these will be.

The nurse said the last four will be a "cake walk."

I just have to get through feeling miserable for the next few days, and the rest of this process should be much easier.

I am nearly out of the chemo woods!

I had run out of paid time off at work, and mentioned it to my co workers.

It came up because I told them that I was scheduled off for tomorrow (using my FMLA), but that I would come in if I could because I wasn't going to be paid if I stay home.

I won't be penalized, but I also won't be paid.

I wanted to give them the heads up that I MIGHT be there if I am not too sick, so they might not have to do my work.

One of them marched in and donated a day of his hours so I could stay home AND be paid.

Then another one donated some hours, too, so that I have a little cushion for the coming weeks until this process ends in October.  I will still have to take more time off than I earn in a month as we approach the end of this.

I work with great people.

The office politics suck just like at any other job, but I stay out of it, collect my meager pay checks that never seem to get much bigger no matter how much my work load grows (or even with the title of project manager), and do my work.

We have a good team, and I am amazed at the support and love they have shown me.

When this is all over, I am going to buy them donuts or something....

Today, it's all I can do to sit and read.  It even hurts to let my arms rest against my sides.  Sitting at the dining room table with my elbows on the table and my back away from the chair is the only position that doesn't hurt.  As with the past three times, every inch of my body feels bruised.

This will likely last until I wake up on Tuesday morning.

The nausea has been better this time, though.  Last time, I felt sick for the full 4 days.  I think that was partially because I went into that treatment completely exhausted from the trip to Chicago.

This time, I was stronger on treatment day.

But I am still getting the chills, the body pain, and the frequent hiccups.  SO weird.

Everyone out there have a good Sunday.  We've been blessed with a break from the heat, happy to say, and a little rain.

"Hot town, summer in the city..."

It really hasn't been too awful, but the heat has arrived.  The current forecast says we are in for at least another week or so of 99-100 degrees, with heat index values close to 110.

Cabin fever season has arrived.

I'm just glad it's not as intense as some of my past summers here have been.

I got to OK in time for the hottest summer ever recorded anywhere in the US since they started keeping track.  That was 2011. That year, it was 105-115 every day from the end of May until early September.  That's the real temperatures, of course, not the "official" readings, which are never the same as what we actually experience.

Thought I was going to spontaneously combust that year!

I think last year wasn't too bad here, if I recall, even though 2014 won the prize for the hottest summer ever world wide.

Yesterday, our back yard thermometer got up to 101.

I stayed in 99% of the day, going out only to spray bug killer where we think the ants might be coming in, and to look at some trimming Dave did around our Crepe Myrtle on the east side of the house.

The rest of the day, I spent doing chores around the house, and staying cool.

Did laundry, swept up the cat bunnies, and entered the receipts into the check book.  Made pressure cooker chicken and rice with broccoli for dinner.  Using the pressure cooker keeps the house cool.

Today, I will mop, and vacuum the area rug and the sofa (it's covered with cat hair), and re-do my manicure and pedicure.  Also cooking something later, but it will require the stove.  It'll be okay, though.  No oven or anything.

I am doing okay, mostly, as I look down the barrel at the next chemotherapy treatment coming up next Friday.

I get a little more tired than usual, but mostly, after the first 7 days, I feel well enough to go about my normal activities, including working out in the mornings before work.

My mouth has gotten worse, but I can still taste almost everything normally....not like with the drugs used before surgery.  That really messed up my sense of taste by the end, it was awful.  I probably posted about that before. Sorry for the repeat.

I use the dry mouth rinse twice a day, and am more vigilant than normal about my dental hygiene.

I really dread the next treatment....this cocktail has been pretty hard on me, compared to the drugs used in the first cycle of 4 treatments.

Dave tells me that he's researched the potential side effects, and he assures me that my 4 days of nausea, exhaustion, and body pain are NOTHING compared to how I COULD be feeling, and that my 7 days in total of feeling pretty bad are a mere drop in the bucket of what is possible.

That's encouraging, and I am very grateful.....but it's also something I can't stop dreading as it comes closer, hour by hour.

What if this time is worse?

Sigh.

I even dread the weird smell that I can't avoid every time they access the chemo port.  I can imagine it, and even thinking about it gives me the willies.  It's so ..  shudder.  It's this strong antiseptic odor.  Ugh.

So..the dread....I guess that's what my Xanax prescription is for.

I am also grateful that there is only one more treatment with this combination of drugs.

I have gotten through three, I can deal with one more, and then I'll never have to endure it again.

Ever.

My hair is growing like gangbusters right now.  I kinda wish it wouldn't because when the drugs change next month, it will all fall out a third time.

I've gotten over being self conscious about it though...it's too hot to care about covering my head right now!  It's a combination of ever-lengthening (read: sticks straight up) peach fuzz and shiny skin.

SO lovely...but who cares?

One thing I still can't do, though, is be seen without my make up on.

I don't even like seeing myself without make up on right now.

It's too stark a reminder of what my current challenges are.  It makes me uncomfortable.

I did not put any make up on yesterday, just to let my skin have a break.  I slathered my face with nourishing creams, and left the make up off.

But then....our neighbor came out while we were looking at the Crepe Myrtle.  I ALMOST ran into the house so she wouldn't see me.

I stood and talked to her....but in the back of my mind, I kept thinking "Oh crap, I don't have my make up on!"

Funny, but not....

SO...today, after my shower, I put on my full face, just so I can feel better about myself when I pass a mirror.

Even if Dave is the only other person who sees me, I will have my eyebrows drawn on today, and I will have a healthy glow, and my eyes are defined instead of looking like pale, rimless holes in a pale featureless face.....

I know it sounds harsh....but I really do miss my eyebrows, eyelashes, and healthy glow.

As I've written before, chemo makes me a "whiter shade of pale," and since it's gotten hot, I can't get out in the sun anymore for my 15 minutes of healthy exposure.

Back in April, when I was off for surgery, I sat outside in the sun every day.  It was lovely to be out in the comfortable warmth, making vitamin D the natural way.  I developed a healthy glow that covered up the pallor.

Then, being off of chemo for several weeks made the pallor go away.

But not anymore.....

I guess what it comes down to is that I LOOK SICK.

I am NOT SICK.

I will say that again.  I AM NOT SICK.

I am as healthy as a freaking horse, and always have been.  There are just some rogue cells in my body that are being wiped out, and that's the extent of it.

Cancer has no power over me, and has never actually made me "sick."

It's true what they say, cancer isn't the problem, the treatments are the problem!

CHEMOTHERAPY comes close to making me sick, and wears me down for a few days, but all in all, I am a ROCK STAR when it comes to being strong and healthy.

As such, I am used to LOOKING strong and healthy.....and it upsets me that I don't look that way right now without a good deal of make up artistry!

Anyway....enough of that.  Time to get the vacuum fired up.

Everyone have a good Sunday.  Stay cool if you need to!

Hot summer day

Yeah...it was hot today.  But I did not get a migraine, and the heat did not ruin my day.

Feeling pretty good.

We met David's son for lunch today, and visited with Pop a bit.

Got a lot done this weekend around the house... Not much else to report.

Other than the fact that I am in the deep midst of chemotherapy, and I can still go about my life almost normally.  That's pretty fantastic.

7 years

7 years ago today, David and I were married.

What an adventure it has been....and what a blessing.

I never knew what it was like to have a real partner.  Someone who was actually, fully devoted to the idea of me.

Through these last several months of fear, uncertainty, and discomfort, I could NEVER have stayed as positive and hopeful without David's constancy and support.

Here's hoping and trusting that the road ahead for us will be long and smooth.

I love you, David.

The Big Adventure (long post...take your time)

Pearly Baker says "Let's Roll!"

Candid portrait by Dave, outside the venue, enjoying the vibe

Ready and waiting for the show

Big ass family reunion

We got the car loaded and were on the road on schedule on July 3 before 8:30 am.  The road was clear most of the way, though we did hit a bit of  rain along the way.

Arrived in Springfield, IL, as planned, to stay at the Abraham Lincoln hotel downtown.  Nice digs.  Free Doubletree cookies...oh my god, now I know what all the fuss is about.  Those were some amazing cookies!

Went across the street for a beer, then took a little walk around town, to go peek at the newly cleaned up state house dome, then back to the hotel for dinner.

While on our walk, a couple of ladies passed us on the street, then turned back and asked if there was anything we needed prayers for.  Well, as a matter of fact, YES!  

So, we stood in a circle on the sidewalk in down town Springfield, and held hands.  They prayed for me with great sincerity, we shared hugs all around, and they went on their way.

The magic had begun.

Dinner in the hotel, and the waitress was a very young Dead head, planning to follow us up to Chicago via train, and praying for a miracle.  I hope she got one.  Her parents were already up there with their own tickets.

There were fireworks and a festival nearby, but we stayed in and rested.

The next day's road was short, clear, and bright, straight through to arrive at my sister and brother in law's in Naperthrill, IL in time for lunch at Portillo's, which, to my delight was open on July 4th.  

Back at the house, they had decked out the guest room in complete Grateful Dead splendor, with lava lamp, tie dyed pillow cases, dancing bears, Jerry related artwork, a Jerry doll, books, and a tapestry on the wall...it was A - MAZE - ING!  Loved it hard!!!  (most of the items were provided by my brother in law's niece Heather who is a young Dead head)

The best part?  A scroll work mirror frame to take home, made by Jim's brother in law, Tim, free hand, and awesome!!

Then, those who could come joined us for a simple cook out at the house.  

My friend Sahba, and her new husband and step son were able to come, and my brother in law's sisters and their husbands came along eventually, too.  My nephew Dan came, and my brother came.  It was very nice.

THEN my sister offered to do the pay per view live feed Dead show from Soldier Field in lieu of going out to fight the crowds to watch fireworks.

That was an easy decision.  

We settled in to watch the show on their beautiful big TV, and it was great!!

Up too late, but slept pretty well.

(side note: it had rained almost every day in June, and when we arrived on July 4th, it was literally THE FIRST sunny, nice, warm day of summer)

Next morning, woke to Jim singing "oh what a beautiful morning" at the top of his lungs a couple of hours earlier than I needed to be waking up, LOL....Then we went out for breakfast.

They went off to the Cubs game, and we waited for my brother to come get us to head down town for the show.

The excitement was mounting!!

I wore a shirt that a friend named Paula had sent me for the occasion, and Dave wore a shirt from the Furthur show we had gone to at Red Rocks in 2013.  I laid down to rest for a while as we waited for time to pass.

Got to the big city no problem, and checked in to the Congress Plaza hotel, a traditional roost for Dead heads when the boys were in town years ago.

Our room was on the 4th floor, lake side, but it was too low to see the lake over the trees.  We COULD see the spout of Buckingham Fountain when it shoots up really high, though! 

Cole's room was on the smoking floor, on the back side, so he didn't have a view at all, except of a parking lot.

High ceilings, battered furniture, beautiful lobby FILLED with Dead heads.  It was a trip to be there.

Walked out to get some food before the limo arrived at 4:30, then back to the rooms to get ready.  My brother brought his white linen suit and a white fedora, his vintage Dead shirt (which is also white), and wore his good shoes...he was DECKED OUT!!  

The limo ride went fine, and she was able to get us pretty close to the venue.  I needed to pace myself and conserve my energy, so that was a good thing.

Dave and the driver exchanged numbers so that they would be able to connect easily after the show for our return trip to the hotel.  More about that later....sigh....

We wove our way around through the heads hanging around outside of the gates.  It was muggy, and a bit hazy, but a nice day all around.

Found a vendor with official gear and got our t shirt order filled.  $285 worth of t shirts!  YIKES!  But that was what the money was for, so it was all good.

We decided to go on in and get behind the gates.  It looked like there were more vendors in there, and a lot going on, plus stairs to sit on to rest, so in we went.

As soon as we were under the walk way and inside, I decided that I wanted a pic of me and Cole with the Soldier Field sign behind us.

NO idea why it's wonky....the vibe, is my guess....read on.....

Then, we switched so Cole could get a pic of me and the Davester.

As we were taking pictures, I noticed off to my left a pair of women who were watching.  As soon as we were done, one of them approached me and wrapped her arms around me.

She began speaking into my ear about how beautiful and amazing my energy is.  How gorgeous I am, how full of Power I am, how strong I am.

I burst into tears and sobbed in her arms.  She held me for quite some time and continued to speak to me of healing and power, while Dave and Cole stood by and watched.

She released me, and held me by the shoulders and looked me in the eyes and said to me that I am healed, and that ALL of her energy that night during the show would be channeled to me. That all of the power of that night was MINE to rebuild me and make me stronger.

Then, her companion did the same thing.  And I did the same thing.  She put a sticker on my shirt that ended up going directly over my chemo port (see the pic of us in our seats above).

Then another woman approached who was with them.  She put a little dancing bear pin on my shirt, and then did the same thing....

Then ANOTHER woman approached, much younger (the first three were of an age with me, I estimate), who just joined in and hugged me and told me how amazing and beautiful I am.... 

The first three went on their way, taking my name with them, and promising to send me all of their vibes.....so I realized this fourth one was a "free agent" when she continued on with us in our meanderings.

I was wiping the tears from my face, and beaming with joy and the power of healing love. 

She and Cole talked openly about important stuff, REAL stuff (he has yet to share the details, but he said that she was completely open and without pretense).  

We walked together for a bit, and then Dave called Scott from Wyoming who was the friend who was able to score our tickets for us.

I talked to him for a few minutes, while the three of them chatted...then we walked on.

As we did, the Flower Child, as I came to think of her (her name is Patty), took my hand, our fingers intertwined, and she said "I want to buy you a stone from that vendor over there, to wear over your heart."

I Gratefully accepted, and we stepped into the tent.  

I found a heart shaped abalone shell pendant that I thought would be perfect.  She purchased it for me...but I didn't know what to do with it, as I had no chain with me...so she bought a chain too. 

The pendant was $4.  The chain was $42!!!  I was stunned and amazed...and overjoyed (also pictured in the shot above of us in our seats).

She put the necklace on me like we were sisters, and we walked on.  Oh, and inside the tent, I had also helped a lady tie a gorgeous scarf on her head...that was fun.  She was wasted! LOL....

The Flower Child spoke to me with tears in her eyes about the critical importance of saving our planet's waters.  She was clearly going to spend her life in that endeavor, as she has great passion for it.  

Cole decided we needed smoothies, so we four moved on to the smoothie vendor.  In line ahead of us was a beautiful woman with a head scarf, clearly also a cancer patient.  We connected eye to eye...huge smiles (I had by then removed my cap because I was hot).

While they were getting the smoothies, I went over to her and did for her what the others had done for me.  She was just getting over her first round of chemo for lung cancer, and she had tied her scarf in such a beautiful way that I hope I can replicate it with some of mine!!

I hugged her and gave her peace and love and encouragement.  Her name is Connie.  I have no idea where she lives....but I know her face and I pray for her in my way every day.

Ended up we got an extra smoothie, so when we had moved off to enjoy them, Dave was trying to give away the extra.  

A couple of people refused, but finally someone accepted, and he briefly joined our little tribe.  He and the Flower Child started talking. 

By this time, I needed to go back to those stairs and have a little rest.  I wrapped Patty's hair up in my hands, and played with it for a minute, then I hugged her and called her Little Sister. 

I explained that I needed to find a place to rest.  I thanked her from my deepest heart for her kindness....and, instead of staying with us, she wandered off with smoothie guy, never to be seen again.

We hung out on the stairway for a good while, watching heads and sipping smoothies....until about 6:30, and time to go find our seats.

The crowd in the stands was the usual degree of laid back, excited, and full of good energy and friendship.

Can't really say too much about the show itself.  It was much better than the one we'd seen on pay per view.  The energy and the determination to give us the best last show possible was definitely there.

I heard the hint of a song in the tuning up portion before they started, and leaned over to my brother and said "China cat."  

I was right!  

They also played "Cassidy," and "Lady with a Fan," and several of my favorites, songs that really mean something to me...and only played one I never really cared for too much--but that somehow means more now.  

They were tight for most of the show, and Bobby only messed up the lyrics once, which is actually to be expected.

The light show (Candace Brightman came out of retirement) was stunning.  PERFECTLY done, with photos from the band's history all the way up to the guys who took the stage for Fare Thee Well along with the "core four."

The "Attics of my life" final encore had everyone crying.  It was beautifully rendered and so sincerely presented.

I can't really put into words the healing and energy that were the foundation of the show itself.  It's almost as if it was just for us, who were there.  A gift from all of us to each other.

We headed out with the dense throngs of Dead heads, all singing, crying, laughing, talking, and packed like sardines along the walk ways ... many of us mooing like cattle.

Dave called the limo driver and left a message.  It was 12:31.  She was to be waiting for us at Roosevelt and Indiana, a good walk from the venue, but if that was all I 'd have to walk, after so much excitement and 4 hours of dancing, I'd be fine.

We got to our rendezvous point and she had not called back.  He texted her. She did not answer.  We could not find her...so we walked.  ALL THE WAY back to the hotel.

That worked out to about 12 city blocks.  But I did it. My feet and lower legs hurt, but I DID IT!!! 

We got back to the room about 1:30 am, and she called.  "I'm waiting!" she said..... Dave was not pleased, but he did not yell, he just told her that he had called, and he had texted, and that we had walked..his wife who was a cancer patient had WALKED....

she said they'll probably charge you anyway....he said we'll see about that, and they hung up. (aside, we have been assured a refund for the return trip that never happened)

We drank our special wine, and had some fig newtons, and listened to the noise on the street below, at 2 am.

Cole came down to join us for a bit,  with a whisky flask, and we shared a few sips before all heading to our beds.

I did not sleep much, and at 5 am, a cop was below, rousting the Dead Heads from Michigan avenue to prepare for the Monday morning rush hour.  It was nice of them to let us have the streets for our special time.... There were very few police in evidence the whole way, and there were no arrests that we heard of.  

The crowd was its usual well-behaved self, and the only incident was when someone fell at Soldier Field and got hurt.

Peace, love, and music....

In the morning, Cole's son, John, met us for breakfast.  It was so good to see him, as we had missed each other the last time we made a trip to Chicago.  He was able to sit with us for a while and visit.  SO glad!!

Then, checked out, and back to Naperthrill.

Sigh.

I rested a good portion of the day, while Dave and Elsa made the trip to the liquor store to stock up on local beer and brews to bring back to OK--lahoma.

Then, Monday night was the next big event.  

I had invited as many friends as was reasonable to join us at Greek Islands in Lombard for dinner.  I love Greek food, and we can't get it anywhere in OK, so this served a dual purpose.

Jessie even came down from Michigan so she could be there for an all too brief time with my dearest chosen family.

My chiropractor-turned-friend was even there!  It was so so SO very wonderful, and healing, and heart-do-gooding!!!! To get all of those hugs, and all of that love from all of those wonderful people!!!  

We had SO much fun, there were a few moments when I was afraid they would ask us to leave! 

Too short, and not enough time with each one, but to be there, with them, was a true gift and blessing.

Titled "Paula's Minions" by Priscilla

There was no memo, but we showed up wearing the same colors!

Me and dear friend Lorin

Up and packed Tuesday morning, and another breakfast out, this time with Colleen and Carrie joining us.  Then on the road by 10something.

We ran into quite a bit of rain in Missouri, and at one point, a wrong turn, thanks to a GPS that needs to be updated, but we got to our bed and breakfast before 8 pm.

It was a lovely place, and a beautiful room with a MUCH appreciated jacuzzi tub, in which we spent at least an hour and a half!!  

At breakfast, the small world factor came into play, as the folks who ate with us had just come down from Chicago as well, and they live in Oklahoma City, too.

More rain on the highway the rest of the way, but we made it home by around 3 on Wednesday, exactly as predicted.

Made another stop in Springfield IL on the way back to have Maid Rites for lunch and to pick up some chocolates from Pease's.

Now we are settled in, the laundry is done, the chemotherapy is done.

And my challenge is to hold on to this way that I feel.

Something inside of me was well and truly broken.  

Shattered.  

And that something has been pressed together, smoothed out, and made whole again...by the hands and hearts of total strangers, and greatly beloved alike.

I became myself again.

I need to stay myself.  For good and all....

I am GRATEFUL.