Krist is Alive

I remember him saying he was going to kill himself.

This was what I got as thanks for supporting him, and letting him stay with me, for three months, sleeping on my couch, all that summer.

He had come to Chicagoland Memorial weekend of '06, in search of a new life.

He said Dayton was dying. He would never get work, nor have hope, if he stayed there.

I said that I would pick him up at the bus stop, but... I promised him nothing beyond that.

I said very clearly, up front and repeatedly, that I could not rescue him, nor support him...

Yet....when he was ejected from the homeless shelter (in which i had placed him), and had no where to go...what did I do?

I supported him, and housed him, for three months.

He drank all of my liquor.

He ate my food.

He went with me to my sister's 50th birthday party, and presented himself as my "boyfriend."

I had told him all along that I needed him to get his own place, and that MAYBE we could try dating at that point.

But only once he got his feet under him.

He worked nights, I worked days, and I hardly ever saw him...but I gave him a roof, and he gave me nothing... except maybe once in a while, he would pull out his "food assistance" card at the grocery store, and help me pay for part of the groceries.

When he had a good job, and had been at it for a while, I suggested he start to talk to some of his co workers about maybe getting an apartment together.

So that we could try that dating thing...living in separate places...and living real lives....you know, like I had said all along....

He not only freaked out about that, to the point that I was afraid to go home, (and went to my sister's house instead).... he also, thankfully, eventually, LEFT.

He put his key on the book case by the door, and stormed out.

A friend of mine had called in the nick of time, and I had asked her to come over, which she did...so I had a witness of his insanity, and she was there when he called me names. She was there when he stormed out, and left his key.

He called, but I would not let him back in.

I had the advantage...and he was out. After slinging scathing insults, and telling me that I, personally, had ruined his life.

All because I had suggested that he start to look for his own place, and start his own real life.

Anyway, because of his erratic behavior, I was scared....and he was NOT coming back in.

He had called me an ice hearted bitch, when all I had done was try to help him.

My family helped me pack up his stuff, which was still in my home, and take it to him that night at the motel he was staying in. We unloaded it in the parking lot.

He came out and stood by my car and asked "what am i gon' do?"

I said that was his problem, not mine. I said that I had given all that I could give.

He said that he was in love with me, and that he was going to kill himself.

I felt that he was mentally ill, and that he was trying to manipulate me. I was probably right.

I felt that my only choice was to roll up my window, and drive away. So I did.

Over the next couple of weeks, I saw him going to and from work (I kept an eye on him), and he would text me when he heard coyotes calling in the night near the place where he was staying, or for whatever other reason.

He seemed fine.

But I always remembered him saying he was going to kill himself.

After those first couple of weeks, I have never known what happened to him, beyond the fact that he told me he was going back to Ohio.

I have wondered for years if he ever followed through on his promise to kill himself. Because he was "off line" for a good 4 years. Inaccessible. Un find-able.

His friends in Ohio even lost track of him after he went home.

He was ... just... gone.

But now, I know for sure, he is alive.

He has me blocked on Facebook, so he must know what my married name is, and know that I am married.....but my husband, oddly, can see his page....and my husband has shown me that Krist is definitively alive.

He was posting just the other day. He seems to have a teen aged girlfriend.

But, for whatever it's worth, it means that I can stop wondering.

And stop wasting my energy, and worrying that he offed himself, when he said he would do so, because of me..

When all I ever did was try to help him.

SO---that chapter is blissfully, happily....closed.