Kelsey Elisabeth

That was my fantasy daughter's name, way back when I was young, and naive, and thought I might have babies some day.

Back when I was 21, and had told my then-husband that I needed 5 years of marriage under my belt before I would consent to even consider reproducing.

And then he sunk so deep into his addictions during those first 5 years that I was never able to come to a point of being comfortable having his child.

Years passed, he got more and more wasted more and more often, I learned of incest in his family of origin....and the window of opportunity closed.

After the divorce, when he decided to hate me, he said I stole from him his only chance to be a father.

Okay. Well, ass hat, you stole from me my only chance to be a mother.

Because by the time I divorced him, I was past the age of safety.  I was almost 40.

30 years ago, at this time of the year in 1983, I was planning my first wedding.  This is probably why I am thinking of Kelsey again.

Yes, I sometimes think about Kelsey, and what she might have been like.

My fantasy was that she would have the red or auburn hair that runs on my Dad's side of the family (and in me and my sister and several of our cousins), and the blue eyes that my ex had, as well as both of my parents.

That she would be brilliant, like my parents, but earth-motherly, like me.  With infinite common sense, like my Grandma (my mom's mom--the only grandparent left by the time I was born), and able to work with tools, like her father.

That she would be stunningly beautiful, and graceful, and ambitious, and heart breakingly loving.  Her smile would be like sunlight, and her laugh, like music.

She exists nowhere but in my imagination, but sometimes.... sometimes.... I think of her.

And I pause.  And wonder.

How would my life have turned out if I had given birth?  Would I be happier?  Would I still be married to that person?

Would I feel more whole?  Or less worthy?

Would she have been all of those things I fantasized her to be, or none of them?   Would it have mattered?

And would I....could I... ever in a million years.... have been what she needed most?

Kelsey isn't saying.