Personal thoughts on living my Authenticity

I am not very far into them yet, but so far, my 50's have been about trying to connect, or rather, re-connect with my authentic self.

Authenticity has always been important to me in various parts of my life.

I performed living history for many years, and the group with which I worked strove for the utmost authenticity in our presentations. For example, there were absolutely NO wrist watches, eyeglasses, sneakers, plastic water bottles, etc. if we were in character and costume.

NOTHING that was not "period correct" was tolerated, which is exactly as it should be when one is presenting living history.

And in dance.  My foundations in dance were to learn authentic Middle Eastern dance.  The teacher with whom I worked, along with another very well trained and educated dancer, were referred to as the "authenticity nazis" (in good humor, no racial slurs intended) in our area of Chicagoland.  I was counted among them, because I danced with them for 15 years, and learned to be authentic because of them.

So....how have I been evolving, to express and find authenticity in my maturing self, and in my daily way of being?

The first step was really simple... to let my hair be natural.  No more hiding its true colors with dye.

For years, I dyed it warm brown to cover the natural red highlights, because I thought it was too brassy.  My sister used to say "your hair's a weird color" in the summers when the red would get really loud when we were kids.

Then, as the years went by, I decided I wanted the red, but continued to dye my hair in order to cover the ever increasing number of silver strands, which started appearing in my 20's.

As mentioned in previous posts, after 25 years, I stopped coloring, chopped my hair off, and am letting it be itself. Now it's just growing.

The next part of trying to find true authenticity has been around paying more attention.  A big piece of that has been to raise my awareness of my relationship to everything around me, and to pay attention to it.  I used to be the one who would see the chipmunk in the vast forest, while everyone around me only saw the trees.

I want to be that in touch again with everything....

AND with myself.

And this is the biggie.  I've had a couple of really good breakthroughs just recently.

Lately, I've noticed things coming out of my mouth (and out of my fingers as I type) that are not authentic.

They are from "old tapes" that go way back into my deeply set poor self esteem, and the attached fear of being judged badly by others, and ultimately abandoned.

Thankfully, I went to talk therapy for several years, and I know the source of these issues.

That fear has caused me to pass judgments upon  myself that I am slowly beginning to see as inauthentic.

Just today, at dance rehearsal, I referred to myself using a phrase similar to: "I used to be a real dancer."

As soon as it was out, I heard it echoing around the room, and beating me about the head and neck like a crazed fruit bat with a hammer.

Why did I say that?  But more to the point, why do I believe that?

I also said "I'm old" at one point when I was out of breath.  What the hell?  I'm not OLD, I was just out of breath!  Jeez!

What is that all about?

My authentic self is fit, strong, and healthy as a horse, and always has been.  I AM still that person....

So, just for the record, my authentic self IS a real dancer.  I am admittedly not as well practiced and performed as I once was, but that doesn't make me any less of a dancer!

The other thing I have been going over and over lately is that I am also kind to a fault, and I also suffer from genuine, debilitating anxiety.  This may be a natural combination for humans like me.  Not sure.

Anyway, the impetus for this part is that I've recently had another experience with a former friend who turned enemy due to NO action or prompting from me.

After going over it and over it in my head, like I do every time something like this happens, no matter how close (ex husband) or distant (someone on the internet) the other person might be, is this....

My fear of being judged, abused, and abandoned,  and my not having a single mean bone in my body, apparently makes me hyper-visible as a perfect target for people who are LOOKING for targets.

They see real gentleness and vulnerability, and their nature causes them to bare their teeth and lunge.

  They're the wolves, I am the kitten.

I have experienced this kind of hatefulness a few times in my life, and it always completely shocks me, and leaves me reeling, wondering WHY ME, and ranting about it on line (I know this, and I apologize to my friends and family who are sick of hearing it from me).....because of the injustice of it!

I am authentically sweet and kind and gentle. I am a healer and a helper and am made out of compassion and empathy.

AND I need to continue to be those things, because it is part of living my life authentically.

And I shall DANCE DANCE DANCE like no one is watching.

I encourage you, gentle reader, to think about areas in your life where you might be able to increase your authenticity.  Art?  Music? Writing? Who ARE you...really?