If anyone out there wants to send flowers, the facility is John M. Ireland funeral home in Moore, OK.
Wednesday will be an all day open visitation.
Services are Thursday morning at 11 at the funeral home, procession to cemetery. No church service.
We got everything done yesterday. Dad, Aunt Betty, Aunt Dolores, Dave, and myself all met at the funeral home and got everything done. I picked out her clothing and got it to them without Dad having to see that.
Back at the house, I went through the calendar and found doctor's office numbers, and canceled mom's eye doctor, GP, and psychiatrist appointments that were written down for October, and notified those offices of her passing.
The psychiatrist called Dave later, and was in tears.
We gave Dad her wedding band, which Dave had removed from her hand when she was still in the hospital, but Dad said he didn't want her to be buried with it, that I was to keep it. I am going to pass it on to their only grand daughter.
Dad said he thought there wasn't any life insurance on Mom, but eventually found out otherwise, so the funeral is going to be paid for out of those funds.
Mom had told us that the funerals were all arranged and paid for already, but , in fact, she had only gotten Dad's taken care of. Hers was not yet arranged, so we had to do it from scratch.
Dave's next eldest brother wrote the obituary, and we finalized it in the funeral home office.
Dave and his eldest brother are discussing trying to get Dad to transfer power of attorney to the eldest. It's time.
All the way around, this experience has been very traumatic and sad since mid-July.
It's been a very long summer.
Tuesday, September 30, 2014
Sunday, September 28, 2014
Saturday, September 27, 2014
Hospice
I was called to come join the family at the hospital yesterday afternoon.
The DNR was signed yesterday, and the fluids were withdrawn. But nothing changed.
The seizures,which had continued constantly for days, continued. The therapies tried by the doctors at the hospital seemed completely ineffective.
They told us she is unaware, that there is no brain activity.... but there's always an element of doubt, and one should be able to die with dignity as well.
We had two meetings with representatives from hospice facilities, and then Dave took Dad, Aunt Betty, and Larry (Dave's brother) to tour the one closest to Dad's house.
Mom was transferred to hospice care around 10:30 last night.
One benefit of hospice care is that the hospice does not have to comply with the same laws as the hospital regarding narcotic drug administration.
They can actually give mom enough medication to make the constant seizures stop.
So we went this morning to "visit." More to check on her state, since we believe that she is already gone.
Dave went into her room, and signaled me that it was ok for me to come in (he had previously forbidden me to see her because of the seizing).
She just looked like she was asleep, he said. Her right hand kept moving, but that was the only evidence of seizing.
For about 10 minutes.
Then she had a seizure.
I basically panicked, and left the room because I couldn't handle it.
Dave spoke to the nurse and told her that they were happening again, and she confirmed that she would increase the medication.
Hopefully that did the trick.
It's been 24 hours since fluid support was removed, and Mom was already very emaciated. Hopefully, it won't be long now before the body lets go of her.
The DNR was signed yesterday, and the fluids were withdrawn. But nothing changed.
The seizures,which had continued constantly for days, continued. The therapies tried by the doctors at the hospital seemed completely ineffective.
They told us she is unaware, that there is no brain activity.... but there's always an element of doubt, and one should be able to die with dignity as well.
We had two meetings with representatives from hospice facilities, and then Dave took Dad, Aunt Betty, and Larry (Dave's brother) to tour the one closest to Dad's house.
Mom was transferred to hospice care around 10:30 last night.
One benefit of hospice care is that the hospice does not have to comply with the same laws as the hospital regarding narcotic drug administration.
They can actually give mom enough medication to make the constant seizures stop.
So we went this morning to "visit." More to check on her state, since we believe that she is already gone.
Dave went into her room, and signaled me that it was ok for me to come in (he had previously forbidden me to see her because of the seizing).
She just looked like she was asleep, he said. Her right hand kept moving, but that was the only evidence of seizing.
For about 10 minutes.
Then she had a seizure.
I basically panicked, and left the room because I couldn't handle it.
Dave spoke to the nurse and told her that they were happening again, and she confirmed that she would increase the medication.
Hopefully that did the trick.
It's been 24 hours since fluid support was removed, and Mom was already very emaciated. Hopefully, it won't be long now before the body lets go of her.
Thursday, September 25, 2014
Good byes will come soon
Dave's mom is now basically in a vegetative state. She stares blankly but does not see. Her body experiences seizures, but she does not feel.
Her living will/advance directive indicates that she wishes no feeding tube, no hydration, and no heroic measures.
As soon as that clears the hospital's legal department, the fluids will be withdrawn.
Only morphine will be given so that the body feels nothing as it shuts down. Which it will probably do pretty quickly.
Please send good thoughts to the Bowen family.
Her living will/advance directive indicates that she wishes no feeding tube, no hydration, and no heroic measures.
As soon as that clears the hospital's legal department, the fluids will be withdrawn.
Only morphine will be given so that the body feels nothing as it shuts down. Which it will probably do pretty quickly.
Please send good thoughts to the Bowen family.
Tuesday, September 23, 2014
Dave's mom
Seems she had a stroke in the middle of the night, and was transported to the hospital at 1:30 this morning.
We weren't notified until 6 tonight. Long story for another day. No other news yet. More as we know. Probably not going to the hospital tonight.
Dave will go tomorrow. I am still sick and can't go.
SO there's one more thing for Autumn Equinox.
We weren't notified until 6 tonight. Long story for another day. No other news yet. More as we know. Probably not going to the hospital tonight.
Dave will go tomorrow. I am still sick and can't go.
SO there's one more thing for Autumn Equinox.
Monday, September 22, 2014
Autumn Equinox
The Autumnal Equinox has always seemed to be significant to me in some way.
Years ago, a friend and massage client died of cancer at the age of 38. I wrote a poem, and it was read at his service. When he died, I had been outside, watching sandhill cranes circle in the sky above the apartment.
In 1992, at the age of 30, I stumbled upon a spiritual path that would prove to be the right one for me. On Autumn Equinox of that year, I dedicated myself to that practice.
On Autumn Equinox of 2000, starting a new life after my divorce, I adopted two kittens from the same litter. Jack and Riley.
That new life fell apart, but I still had my kitties.
Riley would not live past 4 years due to a neurological issue, though.
But Jack. Jack....
He was my steadfast, devoted friend. With personality traits like no other cat I've ever lived with, including sitting in between me and the tv, and waving his front paw, as if to say..."hey....don't pay attention to that box, pay attention to me!"
He also knew how to pet me. He would sit behind my head if I was on the couch, and massage my neck with his soft paws, purring into my ear. And in the bed, he would share my pillow, and massage my neck or stroke my hair, again, purring into my ear. He even used his tail to stroke my arm, or wrap around my neck and pet me.
This is why this year, on the weekend preceding equinox, it felt right to adopt a new kitten who needed rescuing.
On Autumn Equinox of 2009, we (myself, my bird Nichi, and Jack) arrived in Oklahoma City to start a new life.
Not that I had needed a new life.
My life back home was finally going okay, more or less--despite being lonely.
But the loneliness ended when I'd fallen in love with someone living out of state. Unfortunately, my new husband could not relocate to Illinois due to his job, and the only way to be with him was to move away from everything, and everyone, I knew.
My 23 year old bird and 9 year old cat came with me, my beloved companions. Nichi died of old age in 2011, and Jack just died on the last day of August, at 14. He'd been perfectly healthy in every way, and then inexplicably developed lymphoma.
With Jack's passing, there is a different sense of closure on what was my old life. It has made the grief more profound and multi-layered.
Anyway, this year, Autumn Equinox marks 5 years since I have been in Oklahoma.
I can't say that I like it here, but I DO love our house, have finally made a couple of friends, and I finally feel comfortable in the third job I've held here.
The tenant in my property back home seems not to be insane, and pays his rent on time, and shows no signs of wanting to vacate.
Things seem to be going a bit better for someone back home who I care about deeply.
SO, finally, after a 5 year transition, I feel a bit settled.
There's palpably less anxiety about everything. (Although, when Jack died, I felt a very acute and deep sense of anxiety about going forward in life without him. He'd been my comfort through so many trials.)
On the other hand, Dave's parents are causing a lot of anxiety.
It is a different kind of anxiety, however. A kind of anxiety that I have experienced before (for different reasons)...so I can be here to help Dave deal with it.
Things are not going well since mom came out of her 1 month hospitalization and 2 weeks in rehab.
Just over a week ago, according to dad (I think it's been longer), she began to fight taking her meds, and when we visited last weekend, she was sitting on the couch chanting "9 point 2. 9. 9. 9 point 9. 9 point 2. 9...." and would not respond to anyone asking her what she was talking about.
Dad referred to her has "not being herself." YA THINK?
This weekend, she was in bed. My guess is that she's gone catatonic again, but Dave did not disturb her.
Dave has called upon his brothers to act, since they are higher up in the "chain of legal command." He can't do anything, but they can. Especially the eldest.
The eldest is to call the attorney today to see about declaration of incompetence, to see if that will help in getting mom into a care center...or maybe both of them.
Dave is to call the psychiatrist's office and tell them what's going on, and find out if there is, indeed, an appointment on the books. And also to find out if he can be called upon to assist in the process of putting mom somewhere.
Dad never was capable of caring for mom at home by himself, and it seems he has let the visiting aid service go.
He says "they stopped coming."
But we can never tell with him. I think he lies to us to make us go away. Dave thinks he's just as demented as mom, but in a more "functional" way. He can convince others that he knows exactly what's going on and that he's in control.
One weekend, he tells us that mom has doctor appointments coming up during the week, and the next weekend, those appointments haven't happened yet, because they're still during the coming week. It's my intuitive feeling that there ARE no appointments.
In the meantime, Mom's decline has been swift and complete.
Dad did admit yesterday that he has "given up trying" to get mom to do ANYTHING...including eat, take her meds, or get out of bed.
The food that I have been preparing for them at first was a big hit, when mom was still mentally with us. But now that she has crept back into her insanity, the food I make can't fit into the freezer because the last batch is still in there.
Like Dad, I give up too.
But that's not what I set out to write about today.
It's Autumn Equinox 2014.
I took today off to celebrate my 5 years' "survival in Oklahoma."
Dave had to work because he's under a lot of pressure just now, so I had looked forward to a day at home, with time to rest and reflect.
But instead, I have a nasty head cold, and a new kitten.
HAH!! There is still time to rest and reflect, though.
The kitten will be meeting his new doctor today (something I would have been incapable of doing alone just a year or so ago, when anxiety kept me from being able to go anywhere or do anything on my own in my "new" town), and I will be mouth breathing and sticking "kleenex" up my nose.
I dropped a very direct and strong hint that Dave should get me some kind of special gift to acknowledge this particular anniversary. These 5 years have been rough, but I am now in the light that was far at the end of the tunnel back in 2009.
It's actually a pretty big deal.
Years ago, a friend and massage client died of cancer at the age of 38. I wrote a poem, and it was read at his service. When he died, I had been outside, watching sandhill cranes circle in the sky above the apartment.
In 1992, at the age of 30, I stumbled upon a spiritual path that would prove to be the right one for me. On Autumn Equinox of that year, I dedicated myself to that practice.
On Autumn Equinox of 2000, starting a new life after my divorce, I adopted two kittens from the same litter. Jack and Riley.
That new life fell apart, but I still had my kitties.
Riley would not live past 4 years due to a neurological issue, though.
But Jack. Jack....
He was my steadfast, devoted friend. With personality traits like no other cat I've ever lived with, including sitting in between me and the tv, and waving his front paw, as if to say..."hey....don't pay attention to that box, pay attention to me!"
He also knew how to pet me. He would sit behind my head if I was on the couch, and massage my neck with his soft paws, purring into my ear. And in the bed, he would share my pillow, and massage my neck or stroke my hair, again, purring into my ear. He even used his tail to stroke my arm, or wrap around my neck and pet me.
This is why this year, on the weekend preceding equinox, it felt right to adopt a new kitten who needed rescuing.
On Autumn Equinox of 2009, we (myself, my bird Nichi, and Jack) arrived in Oklahoma City to start a new life.
Not that I had needed a new life.
My life back home was finally going okay, more or less--despite being lonely.
But the loneliness ended when I'd fallen in love with someone living out of state. Unfortunately, my new husband could not relocate to Illinois due to his job, and the only way to be with him was to move away from everything, and everyone, I knew.
My 23 year old bird and 9 year old cat came with me, my beloved companions. Nichi died of old age in 2011, and Jack just died on the last day of August, at 14. He'd been perfectly healthy in every way, and then inexplicably developed lymphoma.
With Jack's passing, there is a different sense of closure on what was my old life. It has made the grief more profound and multi-layered.
Anyway, this year, Autumn Equinox marks 5 years since I have been in Oklahoma.
I can't say that I like it here, but I DO love our house, have finally made a couple of friends, and I finally feel comfortable in the third job I've held here.
The tenant in my property back home seems not to be insane, and pays his rent on time, and shows no signs of wanting to vacate.
Things seem to be going a bit better for someone back home who I care about deeply.
SO, finally, after a 5 year transition, I feel a bit settled.
There's palpably less anxiety about everything. (Although, when Jack died, I felt a very acute and deep sense of anxiety about going forward in life without him. He'd been my comfort through so many trials.)
On the other hand, Dave's parents are causing a lot of anxiety.
It is a different kind of anxiety, however. A kind of anxiety that I have experienced before (for different reasons)...so I can be here to help Dave deal with it.
Things are not going well since mom came out of her 1 month hospitalization and 2 weeks in rehab.
Just over a week ago, according to dad (I think it's been longer), she began to fight taking her meds, and when we visited last weekend, she was sitting on the couch chanting "9 point 2. 9. 9. 9 point 9. 9 point 2. 9...." and would not respond to anyone asking her what she was talking about.
Dad referred to her has "not being herself." YA THINK?
This weekend, she was in bed. My guess is that she's gone catatonic again, but Dave did not disturb her.
Dave has called upon his brothers to act, since they are higher up in the "chain of legal command." He can't do anything, but they can. Especially the eldest.
The eldest is to call the attorney today to see about declaration of incompetence, to see if that will help in getting mom into a care center...or maybe both of them.
Dave is to call the psychiatrist's office and tell them what's going on, and find out if there is, indeed, an appointment on the books. And also to find out if he can be called upon to assist in the process of putting mom somewhere.
Dad never was capable of caring for mom at home by himself, and it seems he has let the visiting aid service go.
He says "they stopped coming."
But we can never tell with him. I think he lies to us to make us go away. Dave thinks he's just as demented as mom, but in a more "functional" way. He can convince others that he knows exactly what's going on and that he's in control.
One weekend, he tells us that mom has doctor appointments coming up during the week, and the next weekend, those appointments haven't happened yet, because they're still during the coming week. It's my intuitive feeling that there ARE no appointments.
In the meantime, Mom's decline has been swift and complete.
Dad did admit yesterday that he has "given up trying" to get mom to do ANYTHING...including eat, take her meds, or get out of bed.
The food that I have been preparing for them at first was a big hit, when mom was still mentally with us. But now that she has crept back into her insanity, the food I make can't fit into the freezer because the last batch is still in there.
Like Dad, I give up too.
But that's not what I set out to write about today.
It's Autumn Equinox 2014.
I took today off to celebrate my 5 years' "survival in Oklahoma."
Dave had to work because he's under a lot of pressure just now, so I had looked forward to a day at home, with time to rest and reflect.
But instead, I have a nasty head cold, and a new kitten.
HAH!! There is still time to rest and reflect, though.
The kitten will be meeting his new doctor today (something I would have been incapable of doing alone just a year or so ago, when anxiety kept me from being able to go anywhere or do anything on my own in my "new" town), and I will be mouth breathing and sticking "kleenex" up my nose.
I dropped a very direct and strong hint that Dave should get me some kind of special gift to acknowledge this particular anniversary. These 5 years have been rough, but I am now in the light that was far at the end of the tunnel back in 2009.
It's actually a pretty big deal.
Saturday, September 20, 2014
Black Peter
Adopted today, 4 months old. Black guard hairs, silvery gray undercoat. Has. Not. Stopped. Purring.
Annabel Lee is not pleased.
Sunday, September 14, 2014
Update on Mom
We've been going every weekend, and I've been making what I hope is appealing home made food for them.
They didn't eat all of what I took them last week, but they've also gotten some groceries from friends, so hopefully, they didn't eat it just because they have so much in the house right now....and not because they've stopped eating again.
Mom continues to lose weight, though, and Dad says she sometimes really tries to refuse her meds. He said last night was a tough fight, but she finally took them.
Dave worries that Dad's memory isn't tip top, and that he might forget to make sure she takes her meds.
Last week, she was bright and she knew who I was for the first time in weeks, and she was feeling good. It seemed like she was firmly on the road to recovery.
But today, not so much.
Today, she was caught in a loop, and was not in our reality. She kept saying "9.9 9.9 9.92. 9" etc...no idea what that was about.
So Dad said he was going to try to get her in to the psychiatrist this week. He said they "missed" last week....not good.
Anyway, that's the update. Home health aids come from time to time, but we can't get a clear answer from either of them as to how often or what they actually do.
Nothing we can do about it, though, because Dave has no legal power, and they don't want our help.
They didn't eat all of what I took them last week, but they've also gotten some groceries from friends, so hopefully, they didn't eat it just because they have so much in the house right now....and not because they've stopped eating again.
Mom continues to lose weight, though, and Dad says she sometimes really tries to refuse her meds. He said last night was a tough fight, but she finally took them.
Dave worries that Dad's memory isn't tip top, and that he might forget to make sure she takes her meds.
Last week, she was bright and she knew who I was for the first time in weeks, and she was feeling good. It seemed like she was firmly on the road to recovery.
But today, not so much.
Today, she was caught in a loop, and was not in our reality. She kept saying "9.9 9.9 9.92. 9" etc...no idea what that was about.
So Dad said he was going to try to get her in to the psychiatrist this week. He said they "missed" last week....not good.
Anyway, that's the update. Home health aids come from time to time, but we can't get a clear answer from either of them as to how often or what they actually do.
Nothing we can do about it, though, because Dave has no legal power, and they don't want our help.
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