Autumn Equinox

The Autumnal Equinox has always seemed to be significant to me in some way.

Years ago, a friend and massage client died of cancer at the age of 38.  I wrote a poem, and it was read at his service.  When he died, I had been outside, watching sandhill cranes circle in the sky above the apartment.

In 1992, at the age of 30, I stumbled upon a spiritual path that would prove to be the right one for me.  On Autumn Equinox of that year, I dedicated myself to that practice.

On Autumn Equinox of 2000, starting a new life after my divorce, I adopted two kittens from the same litter.  Jack and Riley.

That new life fell apart, but I still had my kitties.

Riley would not live past 4 years due to a neurological issue, though.

But Jack.  Jack....

He was my steadfast, devoted friend.  With personality traits like no other cat I've ever lived with, including sitting in between me and the tv, and waving his front paw, as if to say..."hey....don't pay attention to that box, pay attention to me!"

He also knew how to pet me.  He would sit behind my head if I was on the couch, and massage my neck with his soft paws, purring into my ear.  And in the bed, he would share my pillow, and massage my neck or stroke my hair, again, purring into my ear.  He even used his tail to stroke my arm, or wrap around my neck and pet me.

This is why this year, on the weekend preceding equinox, it felt right to adopt a new kitten who needed rescuing.

On Autumn Equinox of 2009, we (myself, my bird Nichi, and Jack) arrived in Oklahoma City to start a new life.

Not that I had needed a new life.

My life back home was finally going okay, more or less--despite being lonely.

But the loneliness ended when I'd fallen in love with someone living out of state.  Unfortunately, my new husband could not relocate to Illinois due to his job, and the only way to be with him was to move away from everything, and everyone, I knew.

My 23 year old bird and 9 year old cat came with me, my beloved companions.  Nichi died of old age in 2011, and Jack just died on the last day of August, at 14.  He'd been perfectly healthy in every way, and then inexplicably developed lymphoma.

With Jack's passing, there is a different sense of closure on what was my old life.  It has made the grief more profound and multi-layered.

Anyway,  this year, Autumn Equinox marks 5 years since I have been in Oklahoma.

I can't say that I like it here, but I DO love our house, have finally made a couple of friends, and I finally feel comfortable in the third job I've held here.

The tenant in my property back home seems not to be insane, and pays his rent on time, and shows no signs of wanting to vacate.

Things seem to be going a bit better for someone back home who I care about deeply.

SO, finally, after a 5 year transition, I feel a bit settled.

There's palpably less anxiety about everything.  (Although, when Jack died, I felt a very acute and deep sense of anxiety about going forward in life without him.  He'd been my comfort through so many trials.)

On the other hand, Dave's parents are causing a lot of anxiety.

It is a different kind of anxiety, however.  A kind of anxiety that I have experienced before (for different reasons)...so I can be here to help Dave deal with it.

Things are not going well since mom came out of her 1 month hospitalization and 2 weeks in rehab.

Just over a week ago, according to dad (I think it's been longer), she began to fight taking her meds, and when we visited last weekend, she was sitting on the couch chanting "9 point 2.   9.   9.   9 point 9.   9 point 2.    9...."  and would not respond to anyone asking her what she was talking about.

Dad referred to her has "not being herself."  YA THINK?

This weekend, she was in bed.  My guess is that she's gone catatonic again, but Dave did not disturb her.

Dave has called upon his brothers to act, since they are higher up in the "chain of legal command."  He can't do anything, but they can.  Especially the eldest.

The eldest is to call the attorney today to see about declaration of incompetence, to see if that will help in getting mom into a care center...or maybe both of them.

Dave is to call the psychiatrist's office and tell them what's going on, and find out if there is, indeed, an appointment on the books.  And also to find out if he can be called upon to assist in the process of putting mom somewhere.

Dad never was capable of caring for mom at home by himself, and it seems he has let the visiting aid service go.

He says "they stopped coming."

But we can never tell with him. I think he lies to us to make us go away.  Dave thinks he's just as demented as mom, but in a more "functional" way.  He can convince others that he knows exactly what's going on and that he's in control.

One weekend, he tells us that mom has doctor appointments coming up during the week, and the next weekend, those appointments haven't happened yet, because they're still during the coming week.  It's my intuitive feeling that there ARE no appointments.

In the meantime, Mom's decline has been swift and complete.

Dad did admit yesterday that he has "given up trying" to get mom to do ANYTHING...including eat, take her meds, or get out of bed.

The food that I have been preparing for them at first was a big hit, when mom was still mentally with us.  But now that she has crept back into her insanity, the food I make can't fit into the freezer because the last batch is still in there.

Like Dad, I give up too.

But that's not what I set out to write about today.

It's Autumn Equinox 2014.

I took today off to celebrate my 5 years' "survival in Oklahoma."

Dave had to work because he's under a lot of pressure just now, so I had looked forward to a day at home, with time to rest and reflect.

But instead, I have a nasty head cold, and a new kitten.

HAH!!  There is still time to rest and reflect, though.

The kitten will be meeting his new doctor today (something I would have been incapable of doing alone just a year or so ago, when anxiety kept me from being able to go anywhere or do anything on my own in my "new" town), and I will be mouth breathing and sticking "kleenex" up my nose.

I dropped a very direct and strong hint that Dave should get me some kind of special gift to acknowledge this particular anniversary.  These 5 years have been rough, but I am now in the light that was far at the end of the tunnel back in 2009.

It's actually a pretty big deal.