Biopsies are done

The biopsies were this morning, and I can safely say that I have never experienced anything more personally horrifying and brutal at the hands of medicine. It was indescribably awful.

There were two occasions upon which I literally screamed out in pain. Why the FUCK don't they do this under sedation? Everyone I have spoken to, either virtually or voice to ear, has said that core biopsies are normally done under sedation.

I was hoping that it would be better than the time 14 years ago, but it was far, far worse. 

Possibly because I had to have three done on one side, possibly because nothing in the methods of that type of procedure CAN be improved upon, and possibly because my nipples and areolae are the most sensitive parts of my entire body (and they jabbed one of the needles into the nipple--that was one of the screams, the other was the areola), or possibly because this was not an aspiration, but a taking of tissue cores.  Or a combination.

They told me for the first time today that they didn't find any cysts...all they found were masses.  Interesting tidbit for them NOT to have told me previously....but maybe that was better, since I had to wait a week.  

Knowing that for a week while waiting for this hell would probably have been even worse than it already was.

Anyway, I've never had a mass before. Always just dense tissue and cysts.

So, now, I have 3 holes in my breast, can't shower for 2 days, and can only take Tylenol for 2 days, which means I can't drink.  

How I would LOVE a bottle of wine and a soak in the hot tub, but no wine until the Tylenol is out of my liver, and no soaking or baths until Saturday at the earliest.

I should have results tomorrow, and I'm terrified. 

I have to work tomorrow, but I will work with xanax in my blood stream because I can't function under this kind of stress.

If it's cancer, I have no idea what I will do.  

I feel as though I will shatter into a million pieces.  

But after I do that, I suppose I will fight. I have to. For my Sister. For my Aunt. For my Grandmother. For my friends who have beaten it.

I've spent the day dealing with waves of nausea, bouts of uncontrollable sobbing and shaking (they said the "numbing"medication they injected into my breast would make me shake), and periods where the tears just flow down my face.  

I am in a great deal of discomfort as well. (Tylenol doesn't do shit.) The ice packs they gave me only stay cold for about 5 minutes, and inside the sports bra, they just feel like they put on unwanted pressure...so they haven't really been helping. The pain comes in waves, and it's sharp and deep. I'm also oozing all over the bandages and bra, but I can't take the bandages off until tomorrow.

In addition to that, my whole body hurts from having every muscle tightened up for an hour and a half in a really uncomfortable position (right arm over my head, being HELD DOWN by a tech who was holding my hand and comforting me, but also restraining me), block under my upper back to lift the exposed breast up as high as possible, so my neck was unsupported, and my legs turned to the side so my low back was twisted.  They gave me a knee pillow, but it was still really bad.

I'm basically about as miserable as I have ever been in my life, in this regard.

But that should improve pretty quickly as the tissue recovers. My breast will be purple for a few weeks, and I will be left with scars, but the pain will diminish gradually, hopefully starting tomorrow.

So there it is.  

I'm not sure I can actually talk about it yet, but I can tell you how it went this way.