It's my birthday

4 months have passed since I got the most devastating news of my life.

4 months...filled with anxiety, feelings of deep terror, of hopelessness, of despair.  Trying to decide how I feel about dying.  How I feel about leaving everyone and everything in a way that I have not done before.

4 months...filled with hope, feelings of immeasurable gratitude, of inspiration, of determination. Trying to decide how I feel about living. How I feel about being here, now, and for many years to come, yet changed forever.

The back and forth has been like breathing.

Or both sides of one coin, spinning high through the air.

Right now, the chances of the coin landing LIFE SIDE UP are better and better every day.

I look at myself in the mirror.

I am as hairless and flat chested as a pre-pubescent girl.

There are gashes across my chest, and dark bruises where my lovely breasts used to be.  It hurts to move my body. But I am a dancer, so I move.

Sometimes, it hurts just to breathe.  But I breathe all the deeper for it.

I do my exercises, and I do my stretches, and I keep working toward being able to open my arms wide.

Wide enough to welcome all that is to come. No matter what it is.

I am waiting for the grief over the loss of my breasts, but right now, the most important thing is healing from the physical shock of having surgery, so the grief will come in its own time.

I don't need to force it, or to rush it.

And today, it's my birthday.

Time to celebrate, to be here now, and be happy....and to begin again.

There is a light,  As from many candles..... that is coming from all over the world as people pray for me, hope for me, dance for me, burn candles for me, sing chants for me....and love me.

That light is strong, and it keeps me focused on the path ahead.  That light celebrates me, and celebrates my life.   I visualize myself taking it all in, and growing ever stronger by it's power.

To everyone out there, I say thank you.  Little words that are inadequate to the task...but they're all I have.

Here's to the coin landing LIFE SIDE UP....