Thanksgiving at the cabin, 2015

A little nook in the stone wall is just big enough for a tea light candle. 

First fire of the stay. 

Just a few pictures of this year's Thanksgiving trip.  Since we had the same cabin this year, there really isn't much different about the pictures from the ones I posted last year.

While in the car on the road, I realized that I had forgotten the stuff that was in the freezer above the fridge....so we had no pie, no breakfast sausage, and no green beans.

Fortunately, there's a grocery store in the nearest town.  We usually stop there for a bag of ice before we check in at the park anyway, so it was easy enough to get those items too.

Then, we got to the park and started to settle in at our tiny cabin when I discovered that I had also forgotten the butter.

I HAD A LIST, and completely forgot to check it twice, it seems!

So, while I unpacked and "nested" at the cabin, Dave ran back to the store to get butter.  Sigh.

It was pretty warm out, and the predicted rain had not started, so once we were settled, we took our first little hike not long before sunset.

The weather forecast said it was going to be overcast and raining, but it was only cloudy, and the full moon that night was spectacular.  Of course, no cell phone camera can capture that.

We took our traditional star gazing walk that night, too, but the moon was so bright that we could hardly see any stars at all.

We did, however, see a big yellow dog loose in the woods.  She was out there the whole time we were there, alone and too scared to come close to anyone.

The folks in the office said she'd been dumped by someone a couple of weeks back.

You'd think that the state park service would be able to come and trap her or something.

It was warm enough that night to leave the windows open.  I don't think we'd ever been there when it was so warm.

Thanksgiving day was overcast and warm, but the 90% chance of rain that we'd seen in the forecast wasn't happening yet, SO, we got out to hike in the woods on the one trail that is open this time of year.

It was so good to be able to do that!

The skies started to get a bit darker, though, and the temp was dropping, so we headed back.  The rain started shortly thereafter, just in time for me to start cooking.

I got the fire going in the fireplace, even though it was still pretty warm outside.  It got so warm in the cabin that we had to open the windows again, but it was nice to listen to the rain and the fire crackling at the same time.

Our feast was delicious.  I had gotten Gouda cheese for the green bean casserole this year (I had not forgotten the OTHER ingredients for the casserole, just the dang beans!).  It was very yummy.

The temp dropped steadily once the rain started, and we closed up the cabin and enjoyed the fire with a game of dominoes.

It rained all day Friday, and I lit the fire at 10 in the morning, and kept it going all day.  It was barely 40 degrees out, so this time, the fire was NOT too hot!

We played dominoes, and we read Grimm fairy tales to each other...it was so very very relaxing!!  Dave took a trip into town to get a bottle of whiskey, but other than that, we stayed in the cabin.

We worried about the poor dog who kept ranging around the cabins, out in the rain.

Packing up and cleaning up on Saturday morning, the dog came very close to us, so I tossed her a little bit of left over pie.

It rained all the way home, and when we got here, we found OKC had been covered in ice, and the power in our house had been out for 12 hours.  The cats were very cold.

The crew was just finishing up on our street, though, and just as we approached the door to the house, the power came back on.

It went off again for an hour or so, but was restored and did not go out again.

Our poor willow tree is still bent low, and has lost another large portion of herself (this happened just a couple of years ago on New years), and we lost a few branches off of the pecan, but it's not too bad.

Things are melting slowly today.  It's 35 degrees out there, I think.

Today is about getting errands done and preparing for a new work week.  Hope everyone is enjoying their Sunday.

Sunday before Thanksgiving.. a summing up.

One year ago this coming week, I got a letter from the breast center that said, once again, that there was an asymmetry in my mammogram.

I went into the Thanksgiving holiday with a sense of dread, because this time, it was different.

This time, there was a dimple on the side of my breast, and my nipple had started to turn inside out in the weeks leading up to the mammogram.

Yes, I had been to my doctor.  Yes, she had palpated the dimpled breast and was unconcerned.

Turns out she was wrong to be unconcerned, and I was just as wrong to not pursue it.

I didn't educate myself, I just took her at her word, so the responsibility is mine just as much as it was hers.

This year, at this time, my breasts are gone, and I have been through almost a year of chemotherapy for metastatic cancer.

I have been through a year of firsts, as I have discussed here previously....first IV, first time in an MRI machine (consequently, also my first valium), PET scanner, and CT scanner, multiple times for all, first echocardiogram.  First time in the hospital.  First time having surgery.  First time having to take multiple prescription drugs.

First time hearing the words "We found breast cancer," and then, a couple of weeks later, first time hearing "we found cancer in your bones and liver.  Best chance scenario for most people is 5 years survival."

First time overcoming MANY many fears.

Through this past year, I have been amazingly healthy.  I have continued to walk every day, during my breaks at work, with few exceptions.

I have tried to do a little bit with my hand weights at least a couple of times a week, and use our little elliptical here and there when I couldn't take my walks.  I also do my stretches at least once every day, and that includes some yoga and calisthenics.

The only aspect of my usual physical fitness regime that has been missing is dance, and I hope to return to that next month, once we find out what is next for me.

For the most part, I have continued to live my normal life, with only a few exceptions (that immune boosting drug that went with the adriamycin was some nasty shit, and I missed extra work because of it.  The miracle part is that the adria didn't make me sick and cause me to miss 4 months of work!)

In going through this process over these months, I have developed a series of "mantras" that I repeat to myself during my walks.

That seems to be the easiest time to do the repetitive chants in my head...out in the fresh air (mostly, sometimes in the walking tunnel under the hospital across the street from work if it's too hot, cold, or wet outside).

With every step, I grow stronger, healthier, and happier.

Or, alternately, with every step, my strength, stamina, and immune system increase.

Every moment of every day, in every way, I triumph over cancer and the side effects of treatment.

With every breath, waking or sleeping, thinking about it or not, the cells in my body are returning to perfect, balanced health.

In my afternoon walks, I tend to pray in various ways.  So, since I get two 15 minute breaks, I've been doing my mantras in the morning, and prayers in the afternoon.

Then, since the beginning, when I took a Shamanic style vision/journey to beg the spiritual side of nature for help, I have been using the gift of a nightly visualization practice.

This practice involves visualizing a blueish white light that emanates from the depths of the universe, where all healing energy is created.

This light travels out in every conceivable direction to bring healing to all beings in need.

When the strand that is meant for me finds me, it separates into a billion tiny filaments.  These tiny threads of healing light penetrate my body, and spiral into each and every cell.  The spiraling light balances out the dna of every cell and restores it to normalcy.

Then, as the light travels through my entire body, and begins to exit, it carries with it all of the fear, carrying it away....out and away....to be recycled by the infinity of spirit.

Funny thing was, this last chemotherapy drug that I was given, Abraxane, is blueish white.

Hmmm.

Also, all through this process, Dave and I have been praying over the chemo as it passed into my body, asking for help to guide the medicine to go where it needed to go, do what it needed to do, and leave me feeling fine.

I think I posted about that way back in January some time.

We also called out to collect the prayers, blessings, good thoughts, and all other forms of energy being generated by others on my behalf during treatments as the drugs entered my body, and we saw all of it creating a golden connection between me and all of those people all over the world, most of whom I have never met.

All that being said, I think the spiritual aspects of this process have been well covered!

As we prepare for Thanksgiving this year, I await my appointment on Dec. 2 to get post chemo scans done, and to see the oncologist.   He said that appointment is for the purpose of "mapping out the rest of the treatments."

Our hearts sank when we heard that, not knowing what might be next, but at least I am enjoying two weeks of no appointments and no treatments of any kind.

We are hoping that there won't be any more chemo.  I don't thing a body can take more than what worked out to 12 treatments (the last two having been broken out into 6 weekly smaller treatments).

I also scheduled my first physical therapy appointment for that day, in between the scans and the doctor visit, so that we won't just be sitting around dreading the doctor visit.

I think I mentioned previously that physical therapy was ordered by my surgeon, in order to learn how to deal with the lymphedema in my right arm.

In regard to how I feel about the upcoming scans....I just keep telling myself the news can't be any worse than it already was.

Happy Thanksgiving to my American readers who celebrate.

I, for one, have a lot to be thankful for, surprising as it may seem.

To have stayed well, mostly, during almost a year of chemotherapy, is nigh upon a miracle.

Oh...one more chant I say on my walks... I AM the miracle.

Chemo is over

Had my last chemo treatment on Friday.

Now, I get a couple of weeks off (which will include our annual Thanksgiving traditions), and then, on December 2nd, I will have a scans done, and see the doctor, to find out what's next.

Just trying to trust in the process, and hope for the best.  Just trying to relax and live my life.

Easier said than done.

My hair did not fall out from this last cycle of chemo, though, so it is starting to grow ahead of schedule!  YAY!

Also, this past week, I saw the surgeon for a final follow up.  I will now only have to see her again f I get the port removed.  My oncologist has recommended leaving the port in for now.

The surgeon also ordered physical therapy for the lymphedema.  I tried to make the call to schedule it on Friday, but got no answer. Will have to try again this coming week.

In addition, I had my eyes checked and got new glasses.  They are magenta.  Yes.  They are.

Our little 5 day long weekend was very productive in many regards.

It was also fun!

To help me celebrate the end of chemo, one of oldest friends came down from Chicagoland to spend the weekend.

She arrived on Friday while I was at chemo, and we met her at an area restaurant and brought her home with us!

We had a lovely visit, did some nature trail hiking out at Red Rock Canyon and it was SO good to see her.

She was at her Michigan home when we were in Chicago in July, so we missed each other then.

Dropped her back at the airport just about an hour ago.

Miss her already.

Off to do laundry and make a pot of soup for dinner.  TIRED!

Dead and Co.

So.

Back in January, on my first chemo day...there was a big announcement made that THE LAST EVER performance by the Grateful Dead would take place at Soldier Field in Chicago in July.

I have posted what happened in my blog back in July.

There was much hype, and much ado, and people ran a fund raiser for me so that I could be assured of being there despite the fact that I am fighting cancer this year, and that most of our money was going toward my exorbitant medical bills.

And it happened.

Thanks to this awesome fund raiser, I was in Chicago on the LAST DAY the Dead would ever play.

Right?

Wrong.

Not more than a few weeks after this historic event, another announcement was made.

A new band, calling themselves Dead and Company (the core four without bassist Phil Lesh), was going to carry on with the legacy.

John Mayer would play lead in place of Trey Anistasio.  Still the Dead, basically.  Still playing their music.  Still doing that thang that I THOUGHT I was part of the grand finale of....

Sigh.

At first, I was sort of pissed off, because so many people had gone to so much trouble to raise money so that I, a theoretically dying cancer patient, could be at THE LAST DEAD SHOW EVER....

and then, with this announcement...and it wasn't the last one anymore.

Really?  What??

What the actual fuck.

The experience of being there in July, at THE LAST DEAD SHOW EVER was awesome.  Truly.

I had a treasure to keep in my memory.

But then this.

I didn't know how to feel about it.

Then last night, my brother called me and said there was a free live stream from Madison Square Garden and that I really should tune it.

And I did.
And holy crap.

....I am no longer pissed off.

I am awed.

The legacy is going to continue...and maybe, just maybe, I am too.

Maybe I will be able to see them some day if they ever come close enough for us to go.

Because DAMN.

All Saints Day/ Dia de los Muertos

It's all Hallows day.  All Saints day.

When my parents were living, the flowers on the altar at our home church were always dedicated to their deceased elders on this day on the church calendar.

For decades.

I think of that every year.

Down here in Oklahoma, the traditional Mexican, now "Catholocized,"observance of Dia de los Muertos is a big deal.  That's today, too.

I have incorporated a little bit of the Muertos tradition in my annual decorating for this time of year, without trying to be guilty of cultural appropriation.

After all, I can buy Muertos figurines at Walgreens, so I figure there's a certain degree of cultural permission being given.

Just like there is with the theoretical ancient origins of Halloween.

As a person who tries to study part of my own genetic cultural traditions (the Welsh part, which was originally culturally Brythonic speaking Celtic) and incorporate those into the basis for my spiritual practice, I find it kind of funny or ironic that SO many neo Pagans swear that the church tried to take away the ancient agricultural and Pagan festivals by putting their own Christian festivals on the same day to try to win converts.

While I do believe that the church DID alter the dates of some of their festivals to try to coincide with local practices as the church spread west into Europe, I just find it silly that the neo Pagan movement comes right out and says things like "OUR ancient festival of Samhain was on October 31/November 1 , and the church came along and changed it to All Hallows/All Saints day (or insert dates and other Pagan holidays).

Nope.

First of all, there was no universal ancient festival of Samhain.  That's a relatively new designation for Halloween (all Hallows eve...a CHURCH holiday) given to a fixed point on the modern calendar by the originators of Wicca in the 20th century.

In effect, it's rather the reverse of what the neo Pagans have to say about it.

Sure, there were harvest festivals in Ireland that might have been called Samhain, but there was no UNIVERSAL, PAGAN DAY, on a calendar, that was called "Samhain" prior to the advent of Wicca in the 20th century.

Yes, folks, the TWENTIETH century.  The late 1930s, in fact.  Not even close to 100 years ago yet.

I say that there was no universal ancient festival of "Samhain" on that date, because there was no Christian calendar for our ancient Pagan ancestors, and not all of our ancient Pagan ancestors spoke Irish Gaelic!

Can you follow me here?  Just for another minute?

There were other names, in other cultures, for the varied festivals that were no doubt held during the end of the harvest season.  However, as far as we can conjecture, these festivals were "movable feasts" which probably took place with the phases of the moon, rather than fixed dates on any calendar--since there was no fixed calendar.

The calendar we use today was not even instituted until 1582, and it was calculated by a Pope.  This makes the calendar we use today fundamentally Christian in origin.

See what I did there?

We can, of course, guess that the agricultural practices of our ancestors involved certain progressions through the cycles of the seasons, and we can figure that around this time of year, when the moon was full, they finished tilling in their fields, and they culled their livestock, and they put food by for winter.

They may have also revered their ancestors at this time, because there seems to be something of a theme that is world wide in tucked away areas in remote villages in Europe where the old ways are still whispering, as well as in big modern metroplexes like Mexico City.

But this reverence was not always limited to a date of Oct.31/Nov. 1.

This was the time of year when the plants of the earth were dying back, when the land took on an attitude of death.  It was a logical time to look into the eyes of winter, and of mortality, and think of those who had died.

SO.  When people say Happy Samhain on Oct. 31st, and facebook gets filled up with images of meaningful memes about listening for the ancestors, I just sort of shake my head a little in wonder.

I have to wonder if anyone realizes that Halloween is not Samhain is not ancient.

I'd just like to say, please do some research.

If you want to try to follow ancient ways, you should probably spend a little bit of time at least reading about what might have actually been, and not just say "wow, that meme on social media is cool, I'm going to blindly follow that belief."

And, really,  all we can do is pretend to follow ancient ways.  We weren't there, and our ancestors, at least in Celtic lands, didn't write anything down.

My Welsh ancestors (very long-ago Ancestors) were what were called Druids.  The biggest Druid training/education center in the ancient world (as far as we can tell) was on an island off of the western coast of Wales.

One of the most powerful aspects of what the Druids did (as far as we can tell) was to NOT write anything down.

So there's that.

All we can do is hope that what we can learn is at least close to the truth of how things were. But we really should try to learn SOMETHING about it, instead of following blindly along with whatever we see on line.

For me?  I tend to celebrate this late fall festival for about four weeks...possibly as it was in the very, very old days....from the new moon before to the new moon after.  This year, Samhain's full moon was on 10/27.

The days around the full moon near the end of October/beginning of November are when I can sense the shift in how things feel. Sometimes, it's well into November.  It's a movable feast, as I said before.

It's certainly not limited to Oct. 31.

But I also have to say that I LOVE Halloween, and have a lot of fun with it.  It's really cool when the full moon falls close to Halloween, and I can combine the two things.

I know there are Pagans out there who feel the same way, but in social media, which is, sadly where many people now get what they think are "true facts about Samhain,"  all I can hope to do is reach out to someone and cause them to think.

I don't know that I am right, or wrong,  but I have done a lot of research (only recently using the internet) over my 25 years as a Pagan, and, well, that should count for something.

Happy Hallows and Muertos to those of the Christian persuasion!