Star

We lost our longest-standing member of the feral cat tribe this past week.

Star came to us with her mommy when we first moved into this house.  They appeared on our front porch when we were in here painting, before we had any furniture moved over.

Mom was a pretty siamese mix, and baby was all black, except for a bright white blaze on her chest.  We named mommy ChinaCat, and baby Star.

China turned out to be a very prolific mother, having several litters of kittens in our yard.

As time went by, we started doing trap/neuter/release on the feral cats in our neighborhood.

We successfully trapped China, and some of Star's multiple younger siblings (we got them all at the same time on our first attempt, and took them away to a rescue), but Star was always too wily to get into the trap.

We watched her do it...she knew not to step on the trigger, and could go in, eat the food, and back out!  We even tried to disguise the trigger.... but she was too smart.

She has spent almost her entire life in our yard. She had one litter, that we know of, before we finally trapped her, and only one of those kittens survived.

When she came back with a kitten, she took up semi-permanent residence in our safe, dog free back yard.

Well, one fateful day, she was in the trap eating, and her kitten, a carbon copy of Star who we thought was a girl at the time, went into the trap WITH her, and he must have tripped the trigger.

We got them at the same time!  By this time, we had trapped and released several feral cats, but this was a major triumph!

The result was that we found out that Stella was a boy, so we named him Luke Skywalker, and he and Star became inseparable.

Neither of us has ever known of two cats who were more bonded.  They would walk with their tails curled around one another.

They had other places they would go across the street from us, but, as I mentioned before, they spent most of their time in our yard.

Fast forward to the past few weeks....

During the week that we had almost constant rain, Star vanished, and we think she got trapped somewhere across the street, because when she returned, she was clearly ill, emaciated, and dehydrated.

Every year, she suffered from summer and fall allergies that caused her to wheeze and have nasal discharge.  This was different.... MUCH.

We fed her moist food, and hoped for the best.  We talked to her and told her to please stay in our yard.  There is shelter HERE, and safety, and food HERE....

Then it rained again and she was gone for another 36 hours or so.

This time, when she returned on Monday, it was clear that she was dying.   She was crouched on the front porch, watching for us to come home.  She was so frail!

She stumbled into the back yard for the usual dinner routine, but couldn't eat.  We offered her water, but she did not drink.

She let us pet her.  Luke was hovering nearby, watching.

For 7 years, we had been able to sit sort of close to her, and I got her to play with a toy on a stick a few times (I play with Luke sometimes, but Star was much more afraid to try), but she NEVER let us get close enough to touch her.  This was a sure sign that she was at the end.

Before I went to dance class, I went out to look for her, and she was curled up in the corner near our hot tub.  I asked her to please just rest there, and promised that we would see to her, and that we would continue to care for her boy, and the tribe.  She gazed at me, and gave me one last slow blink of her eyes.

Dave talked to her as well, and made the same promises.  We both told her good night, and left her alone after that.

The next morning, she was still there, and she had died.  Dave covered her with a towel, but we had to go to work.

Luke was, again, nearby.  Poor boy....

After work, we stopped and bought a piece of flag stone, and Dave dug the grave while I collected the body and wrapped it in the towel.

We buried her in one of the spots in the yard where she liked to sun herself.  It's next to the grave of our beloved Louie.  Luke was vigilant.

It was a very tearful, and love filled end for a cat who would have otherwise been un-cared-for, and whose passing would have been a nuisance at anyone else's house.

I like to think her spirit is still with Luke, and that she will watch over the tribe now, from across the rainbow bridge.

STABLE!

The scans came back showing NO CHANGE after 6 months without chemotherapy!

My doctor has declared PARTIAL REMISSION.

There are two levels of remission, partial and complete.

Partial is when whatever has been being monitored has shrunk, and stayed stable, but not gone completely away.

The spot in the liver is still there, but is unchanged.  We are back to wondering what it actually is.

Therefore, my level of remission is partial at this point.

If the spot remains stable through a couple more scans (a year, maybe), then I will be considered to be in complete remission, and the spot will be declared benign.

I suppose it's possible that when there was cancer seen there, it was around a spot of scar tissue, or some other anomaly.  That the spot is indeed benign....but we can't say for certain yet.

Anyway, the news was THE BEST NEWS IN ALMOST FOUR YEARS OF TREATMENT!

I am adapting to the idea of being cancer free.

Though I say mantras to myself every day about that, the reality of it is different.

Oddly, I have thoughts about finally starting a garden now.... and going to Wales became a much more real possibility.. and maybe visiting Santa Fe, or New Orleans, and going to Colorado again.

I've BEEN trying to just live my life, but there was always a shadow there. Especially since my friend Laura died last month.

Laura was diagnosed 4 or 5 years before me.  She was the friend who became homeless because of her medical costs.

Well....The shadow is lifting.

I have a referral to a podiatrist.  I will go when we are off work at my office for Veterans' Day.

Since my employer is stingy about people taking time off for themselves, I delayed my visit in order to use the office holiday.

I could have gone tomorrow, but that wasn't enough notice to take off to go to a doctor.

Effing stupid policies.

Anyway, we are going out for brunch today, so I had better get into the shower.  Then we will go thrift shopping, then come home and do a little yard work and cooking.

Happy Sunday!

Bi-annual scans coming up

It's been 6 months since my last scans, and it's been 2 years since my last scan with bad news.

(That troubling scan was after 6 months without chemo.)

I started on the Ibrance treatment (the chemo pill) after the scan two years ago.

The Ibrance had worked it's wonders by the scan after that, but they kept me on the medication for an additional year, until my tolerance for constant mouth sores, and other side effects, had worn out.

My anxiety level is moderate regarding next week's scans. This surprises me, because of the result 2 years ago after a break from chemo.  I would think I'd be flipping out....but maybe that will come as Thursday approaches.  Ha!

In the 6 months since I stopped chemo again, I have enjoyed feeling much more "normal," and this has been a blessing.

The hormone blocker still causes me to have pain and stiffness, but the hot flashes have moderated in these 6 months, which I really appreciate.

I've developed a calcium deposit or something on my right achilles tendon/ heel bone.  It hasn't been painful or a problem, but I've been wearing sandals all summer.  It's also been gradually getting larger.

Now that I have to put shoes on again with the cooler weather, I am going to have to go to a podiatrist to have it looked at.  It's big enough, and sticks out of the back of my heel, so that shoes are uncomfortable, and I'm getting a painful callus next to the bump after wearing shoes three days this past week.

This distresses me a bit, because I foresee the potential for surgery, recovery from which could eat up all of my saved up vacation time for us to go to Wales.

We'll see.  I don't really have a choice about it, as it must be addressed now.

My thought is that it's a side effect of the Xgeva injections which I get once a month.  Since that's a bone builder, that is the logical culprit.

A couple of months ago, I got some CBD oil.  It really seemed to help with the insomnia, as well as the pain from the hormone blocker, and it seemed to work very quickly. 

It was $40, though, and it only lasted a week, so I didn't get any more.

Well, I got to thinking about it, and it had worked so well, that I decided to shop around a bit.  I found a different brand that was also $40 but you use half as much, so I am back to using CBD oil.

Hopefully, I will be able to stick with it for longer this time, since it is more affordable.

Oklahoma passed medical marijuana this year, and there are CBD shops and cannabis dispensaries popping up all over town, so the market should improve even more with increased competition.

CBD oil has been legal for a while, though.  Those shops have been popping up in advance of being able to convert to CBD/cannabis dispensaries. 

It's cool to see green crosses all over town, even at the big chain pharmacies!

Maybe recreational cannabis will be legalized, too.  The states that have passed that are making billions of dollars!!

Our neighbors to the east have started a new business growing medical marijuana, now that it's legal.  They have a big set up in a warehouse, and are getting financial backers to chip in.  I wish them all the luck!!

Maybe my next job will be in this new industry somehow.... I keep thinking that something different will come my way, but I can't make the leap until we get our Wales trip solidified.

Today is going to be busy.  Dave has to go check on Pop, and he has several chores to do, and I have cooking projects to do, and we have friends coming later to go out to a show with us.

We don't usually go out on work nights, but we really wanted to see this act, so we are just going to be tired in the morning!

OH, and about last week's dance show....  I had been going to class, and practicing and preparing, for 6 months, and Dave told me on the Thursday night before the show that he didn't want to be there.

My heart was BROKEN.  I knew that he was often uncomfortable sitting out there in the audience, and I knew that he doesn't really like the music, but he has always overcome his discomfort to be there for me.

He's even come late to just be there for the set I danced in.....avoiding having to sit there the whole time.

But, this time, for some reason, he backed out entirely at almost the last minute. 

I felt devastated.  It felt to me like the withdrawal of his support of this thing that gives me joy, as well as something to do socially with other women.

I had purposely NOT gotten tickets to go to the Friday night event prior to the big day on Saturday, because I didn't want to overwhelm him.  I had also made arrangements for our friend Julie to come and sit with him at the show on Saturday.

SO, needless to say, I was pretty deeply depressed all day Friday, and then Saturday (show day), it was really weird and uncomfortable to be getting ready, knowing that he was going to drive me to the venue and leave.

I contacted Julie, and made arrangements to get a ride home with her, so that Dave didn't have to drive all the way back to the venue to pick me up after.

Coming home with Julie also meant that I had to miss the rest of the show after my class performed, and I had to miss the after party, because Julie takes care of her elderly mother, and had to leave after I danced.

However, I was so angry and hurt that I didn't really care much, and I wanted to remove Dave from the process as much as he seemed to want.

I was also so distracted by how I felt about it that I messed up the dance in two places after practicing it perfectly dozens of times.

Anyway, I was so upset that I couldn't talk to him about it until Sunday night. 

He somehow hadn't anticipated that it would be THAT big of a deal to me, and he apologized sincerely and extensively.

I told him that I was preparing myself for him to never see me dance again, and I explained to him that I dance every 6 months, and I get scans every 6 months....and there is always a chance that each performance could be my last.

Of course, that's true of anyone, but for a cancer patient, it's a little different "view."

He hadn't seen it that way, but now he understands why I do.

This was probably the worst thing we have gone through as a couple in 10 years of marriage, so, in retrospect, that's pretty good!

We're okay now, and, provided my scans are good, and I can keep dancing, when it's show time in 6 months, we will communicate differently about his participation or non participation! 

Have a good Sunday, whoever is out there reading this!

Dance show

Last night was the second of the two studio "gala" shows for the year.

I could dance at other venues, like festivals, but I choose to just perform at what are really the studio's bi-annual recitals.

Our choreography for this half of the year was a really cute, energetic "Malaya Leff" dance.  The Malaya Leff style was developed for the stage in Alexandria, Egypt by the Mahmoud Reda troupe.

It's folkloric IN STYLE, but was developed specifically for theater, so it is not a true folkloric dance.

I messed up the routine in two different spots, but my heart was't really in it, for reasons I can't really go into here until I have the chance to discuss things with Dave.

Maybe I can tell you next week.

It's rainy here, and I am going to make a pot roast and go to a dance seminar today.

Have a good Sunday.