Endings and beginnings

We had a lovely gathering around our table for Christmas Eve.

This year's ham was VERY salty, and set up like jerky.  It was just like the ones that we had when I was a kid, which came directly from my dad's relative who cured them in Virginia.

I will make my usual black eye peas on Tuesday using the bones and some of the left over meat.

I texted with Eric prior to Christmas, but never heard a word again. He never even texted us a Merry Christmas, much less did he come over to see us.

Not surprisingly. 

And that's actually just fine.

Tomorrow is New Year's Eve.  I have to work, but Dave is off, and he has a few projects planned for himself around the house, since the weather will be mild.

I anticipate that our new company president will announce that we can leave early. 

He does that on a regular basis.  It's one of the refreshing changes that have taken place at work over the past year.

I just hope that I am able to complete my tasks in time.  I have to run collections reports on the last day of the month, and those take time.

It's one of the many things that I do for the director because she doesn't want to do them.

We decided that our black artificial tree needed to be replaced after taking it down this year.  Half of the lights on it were burned out, and the bottom branches were broken (thanks to Pete the Cat), so that they would just flop toward the floor.

We put it out at the curb, marked FREE, but no one took it, and then it got rain soaked.  I hate to put something like that in a land fill, but it's in the trash now.

We went out in search of a replacement, and were surprised that places either didn't have after Christmas sales (Target had trees, but they were full price), or had already put away all of their holiday-related stock, and it was only a couple of days after Christmas.

Finally, at our fourth stop, we found discounted trees, and got a SILVER ONE!! 

I can't wait to see it set up next year!  The best part was that it was half price!

Maybe we'll eventually get a color wheel, too!

As 2018 draws to a close, and I see friends posting stuff on Facebook about what a horrible year they've had, I can totally relate.

For us, though, 2018 has been much better than the past several years.  For that, I am extremely grateful.

Every day, I post three things for which I am grateful on my Facebook page.  I have done this since 2011, when my psycho first tenant in the condo baled on her lease.

This has helped me to change my own perspective, and I have seen the practice spread throughout my circle of friends. 

Having a daily gratitude practice has been very useful for me, especially during difficult times.

I am hoping to see more friends take up the practice in the coming year.

2019 will be my 5th year post-diagnosis.  5 years is the critical point at which survival and non-survival is measured.

I am approaching this milestone with a lot of hope, but also with a healthy dose of trepidation.

There is no way to predict my outcomes from here, but I plan to still hold on to my hope of being one of the small percentage of stage IV patients who lives beyond 5 years after diagnosis.

I will intentionally work to improve my chances in every way possible, as I have all along, by trying to remain focused on wellness at every level: physical, mental, and spiritual.

Neither Dave nor I make "new year" resolutions, but we both are determined to get back on track after the holidays.

We've enjoyed the excesses of the holidays most heartily, and have both also slacked off in our exercise routines. 

We've had sweets, biscuits, chips, more liquor than usual, potatoes, cookies, cake, and other grain based carbs....tomorrow will involve a feast of baked appetizers, also with grains, and a bottle of champagne dosed up with pomegranate sherbet!!

We agree that this will end in the coming week, and we will return to our dedication to healthier habits.

We've both noticed, most acutely, how MUCH our bodies are impacted by high carbohydrate foods, now that we are accustomed to a moderate to low carb life style.

Friday night, we treated ourselves to a "date night," the first one in weeks.  We had bangers and mash, and a Guinness, at the Irish pub.

Dave looked pregnant afterward, he was so bloated.  It was remarkable.  His belly was stretching his shirt.

Then, yesterday morning, the bloating was gone...like he had given birth, HAHA!

My foot issues have improved, and, while I need new walking shoes, there is no longer any reason for me to NOT get back into a workout routine.  This isn't really walking season, anyway, so I can take my time looking for a good deal on my favorite brand of athletic shoe.

I will also start back to dance class on the 7th.

ANYWAY, I do know that there are ways to keep the holidays festive without going FULL ON carbohydrate-loading.  I have a year to consider changes to my usual holiday food plan.

Some things HAVE to be involved, like the biscuits and ham on Christmas morning, but other things can certainly be changed!!

We got our errands done Friday night, and then, yesterday, Dave went early in the day to see to his dad.  It's been a nice, relaxed weekend so far, unlike last weekend.

The house is even still clean!

Today will be an easy day. 

I am planning chicken enchilada casserole as my cooking project, and I also want to deep condition my hair.

I got some reading materials for Christmas, and some bath bombs.  If we don't get in the hot tub, I may enjoy a hot bath and some reading.

Whatever you do to ring in the new year, if anything, I wish you all the best. 

...the Journals.. a second post for today....

When I was in high school, my Great Aunt Jane (my dad's aunt) came to visit one holiday season.
While she was with us, she gave me my grandmother's journals from when she was a young woman.
I never met that grandmother, my dad's mother, as she died from metastatic breast cancer in 1953.
The black-bound composition books were little treasure chests, with pictures, and letters, and other mementos glued to the pages, and the glimpses of her life in the nineteen teens in Virginia and Chicago, where she went to college, and eventually met my grandfather.
Anyway, I had those journals for several years, until my dad's youngest sister, Judy, came to visit (from AR, where she was living at the time) while one of their cousins, with whom Judy was very close, was dying.  
From breast cancer.
Judy asked about the journals, and asked to borrow them.
I gave them to her gladly, of course. She said she would send them to me when she finished with them.
A reasonable, to me, amount of time went by, and I asked when I could expect the journals to be returned to me.
My aunt abjectly, and clearly, refused to give them back.
I implored, I begged, and I asked her daughters to help me, but she would not part with them. 
She had taken them back to AR with her, and I could not have them. Period.
She felt that they were HERS by right, not mine, even though her aunt, who had held them for decades, gave them to ME.
(there is much more to the story, but I won't add it to this post--if you're curious, you can scroll back to my post about her from last June)
When I moved to Oklahoma, Aunt Judy was, coincidentally, living here also, along with one of her daughters (who still lives here).
When I arrived, I visited my aunt once. She was happy to have me visit, and made us a pan of her famous brownies....but, other than that, she was not overly welcoming. I offered to be available to her, to help her with her house and her animals, but she never took me up on it.
We did not speak of the journals.
She eventually moved back to her beloved Colorado.
She would write to me, and send me cards, and always said she loved me. She referred to herself as "Auntie J," though none of us ever called her that, to my knowledge.
She was very concerned and supportive of me with my cancer battle..... But we never spoke of the journals again.
She eventually passed away, and Dave and I went to Colorado for her memorial in June of 2017.
At the end of the gathering, when we were all leaving, my cousin handed me a bag.
The journals, and a couple of photographs of my dad, were in the bag.
I wept as she handed them to me.
I have not yet felt ready to open the journals, until today.
I wanted to make a photo collage for Christmas, to help me remember why I order that dang ham every year, and why I do the things that I do in order to touch my roots at this season of the year.
I knew that the photos were in the bag with the journals. Untouched since last year, I opened the bag.
I wept.
I made my photo collage, with those and other photos.
And I started reading.......

Yule 2018

The Yule table, with tree in the background.  I LOVE those little "fairy lights" that are wrapped around the base of the center candle holder!

Our first successful fire in the chiminea this year, perfect for Yule!

 The almost- full moon through the almost-bare trees on Solstice Night.  The bright moonlight made it easy to work the fire, and see the feral cats visiting us as we sat outside in the dark.

Dave left work early on Thursday and did the running around, so that we could enjoy our holiday, which we had taken off work for.

We had a lovely Winter Solstice/ Yule. 

I prepared a lovely medieval style feast, and set a beautiful table.   Some day, I'd like to get special dishes for Yule, to go with my medieval theme. Perhaps wood, or even food-safe pewter.  Since Yule is just for the two of us, I'd only need a small number of pieces.

We made our fire, and sipped wassail. 

It was pretty cold out, though, so Dave went inside and left me with my wishes to throw into the flames (a friend sent us a box of dried pine needles for wishes, and some lovely birch bark and juniper kindling for our Yule fire).

The electric company came yesterday and trimmed branches off of our pecan tree. 

I love that they did this just as our wood box is getting empty!  Pecan wood burns beautifully.  MUCH better than the willow we've been trying to use up since the last ice storm.

One of the guys even cut the wood to fit the chiminea, and set the stack next to it.

Dave had his stress test on Monday.  It went okay (he tolerated it just fine),  but we don't know the results yet. 

They said "soon," but gave no specific time frame for results to come.

Of course, the medical community's version of "soon" is far removed from the patient's version.   Hopefully, it won't be as bad as my almost 2 week wait after my biopsies!

I went out on a limb yesterday and texted Eric.  We have a gift for him that we bought many months ago. 

Even though Dave has thrown up his hands, I felt that we should at least reach out and offer a chance to visit.

He actually REPLIED, and then chatted with me a little via text.  (I had tried messaging him before, and he ignored me.)

He asked how we are doing.  He said he'll stop by on Christmas --IF he isn't working.

Working on Christmas is, in all likelihood,  NOT a thing....but he uses work as his constant reason for staying away. 

We'll see. 

The offer has been made, but I really don't think he'll show up.

Yesterday was mostly about doing some last minute errands.  I needed to get some gifts for our Christmas Eve guests,  and Dave went down to his dad's.

Then, we hit a thrift store for some new wine glasses. 

Dave accidentally broke one of the last two of my set of crystal that I have had since 1983.  (He has broken 5 of the 6 I still had when I moved down here... UGH).

I like to have things mixed up on my "bohemian" style table when I have guests....which is usually just on Christmas Eve.   My collection of mis-matched vintage plates, serving bowls, and glasses is fun! 

The silverware all still matches, though.  We need to work on that.

We need to get the ham into it's soaking water today, and will clean the house well. 

Dave needs to go out for one short errand, but mostly, we should be able to just be home today and tomorrow.  We will go see Pop on Christmas day.

Warm wishes, bright fires, and love to you this holiday. 

May the God, or Gods, of your ancestors bless you richly as the wheel turns to the new year!

Getting ready for Yule and Christmas

The ham is here, the cognac has been purchased, the outbound gifts are packed to ship, and I will FINALLY get the decorating done today.

The house will only be decorated for ten days, but I will enjoy it.

This coming Friday is Yule, and I was granted the day off (you never know, where I work).  I will cook the same feast I made last year, which was so wonderful.  Hopefully, we can get a fire going in the chiminea.

Dave's stress test is tomorrow, so I got the afternoon off to go with him (since it wasn't related to the holidays, they granted me the time off on short notice.  I was stunned).

He's very uncomfortable about having to to it.  His last one was induced, and he said that was perfectly awful. 

I try to reassure him that the treadmill kind is easier to deal with, but he's still freaked out.

I totally understand being freaked out about medical procedures and tests!  I am very glad that I can be there.

I got a Christmas bonus from the dance studio, and used it to buy dance shoes that I think my podiatrist would approve of.  Now I can go back to class!

I've missed going, but have also gotten fond of not having to leave the house at night, HAHA!

My BIG NEWS this week is that I had my monthly trip to the cancer clinic.  This was the "every other" month, so I had labs drawn, port flushed, and saw my doc before my shot.

The staff in the treatment room was, once again, clueless about why I was there, even though it was scheduled in October.  I had to wait a half hour to get my labs drawn, because they didn't have the orders.  This happened the last time too.  The new management is so effed up.

Anyway, when I went back to my doc appointment, my nurse came in to do the usual stuff, and she said "You've heard through the grape vine, right?  Dr Hollen is leaving."

I panicked for a moment.... she saw this on my face, and then she said "but you can come with us!"

My doctor has gotten fed up with the new Overlords.  With their unethical billing practices, with his patients being saddled with four times the expense they had when he was in private practice, with all of the stupid rules,  and with the negative changes and remarkable incompetence that keep the treatment room staff in constant turn- over status.

SO....he is leaving the group he helped found, and moving to a new private practice group way across town.

I will never get another bill for $11K for one tiny injection.  I will never get another threatening phone call.  I will never have to seek assistance, or beg for money through a fund raiser, to pay my bills.

The only draw backs are that the new office is kind of far away, and they may not be able to draw my labs through my port, and kill two birds with one stone.

(What I mean by that is, the port has to be flushed every 8 weeks-- so it works out perfectly to get the labs drawn through it on the "every other" visits... oh well...we'll figure it out.)

I was ECSTATIC to get this news on Thursday! 

I will miss the one treatment room nurse who has stayed.  She was the ONLY ONE there who was able to access my port, consistently, on the first try. She would grumble to me about the new overlords, too, but she refuses to leave.  Probably because of patients like me who request her every time, because we know she knows what she's doing.

I will miss my doctor's head nurse, who is getting married and moving to Georgia anyway.

I will miss the lovely, friendly receptionist who has been so kind for all these years.

This was all a big surprise, so I had no time to prepare.  I went around and said good bye.

My entire process has taken place in that office.  It was a bizarre rush of overwhelming relief, and a strange kind of closure.  I cried as we drove away for the last time.

I find that I am still taking big breaths of relief whenever it pops into my mind.  I was REALLY worried about the beginning-of-year bills process starting over, since it was so horrible this past January and February.

ANYWAY......

We have to clean and refill the hot tub today (opened it up yesterday, and discovered that the time had come, so we drained it last night).  That, along with the decorating, will take all day.

Lots to do....

4 years gone

My first biopsies (three on the right breast) took place on Dec. 8, 2014

This anniversary marks the beginning of my fifth year.

People with stage IV metastatic breast cancer mostly live eighteen to twenty four months after their initial diagnosis.

Only a small percentage survive five years.

When we get to Dec. 8, 2019, there is going to be a party, because I will still be here, and I will be cancer free, and will have been declared to be in full remission.

Last night, I remembered how horrifying and barbaric my first biopsies were. 

One nurse holding my arms down, over my head, another assisting the doctor, whose name just happened to be Paula.  The doctor was merciless and brutal, and I cried and actually screamed out.

No numbing medication, no anesthesia, and three core biopsies taken at different spots.

She left my breast with three un-stitched holes in it, and the bruises were still there months later, before my surgery.

The pain that night (and for days to come) was excruciating.  Throbbing pain, constant bleeding.... I had to go back the next day and have a nurse cleanse and re-bandage me,  because the wounds were still bleeding, and the blood had soaked through the bandages and my pajamas.

This was not something they told me to expect, and the nurse apologized, and said that that particular doctor was "pretty rough."

YOU THINK?????

As a result, when I found out that I had to go for biopsies on the left, after the MRI, I was petrified.

I insisted on going to a different branch of the same breast center network, and I insisted on a different doctor.... and the second set of biopsies (two on the left), was a completely different experience.

No one held my arms down.  I didn't have to scream.... I was amazed when it was over.  The doctor was male, compassionate, gentle, and apologetic.

It was unpleasant and painful, but it was not barbaric.

ANYWAY.... starting the fifth year is kind of an "interim milestone,"  (with the major milestone being next year) so I intend to mark it well.

In other news, Dave had a business trip last week, and when he got home Tuesday night, he had a couple of episodes of light headedness and nausea.  Like--he almost fainted light headedness.

I asked him to please work from home the next day, and to put a call in to his doctor.

He saw the doctor, and everything seemed fine. 

He has had no more episodes at all, and feels fine.

However, given his history, she is ordering a cardiac work up.

Those tests will effectively provide us with so many medical bills in January and February, that we are now being forced to cancel our hoped-for trip to the United Kingdom....yet again.

Between my out of pocket coming due all at once, like always (hopefully, I will qualify for assistance again), and these upcoming tests for Dave meeting HIS out of pocket all at once, we will be faced with a maximum of about $7000 in bills at the beginning of the year.

We'll see, but that's what we anticipate.  I may do another fund raiser if it turns out that way. 

There is SO MUCH to be said for socialized medicine.... people in countries with socialized medicine don't go broke, or end up homeless, because they have need medical help.

We still haven't been very successful at saving money, but I am putting my foot down about it, and will set aside a portion of every pay check NO MATTER WHAT...even if we have to eat ramen noodles for dinner.

Speaking of money, we are paying our yard guy to do an end of year clean up today.  I HATE to have to spend the money, but it HAS to be done, and we don't have the right equipment, or the physical strength, to do ALL of it.

Dave had planned to do it in stages, but never got started.

Once that's done, Dave will go check on Pop, and I will get my holiday letter written, and start addressing cards.

I have all of my gifts either sent or ready to send, the ham is here, and the guests are invited.

No, Eric will not be here. 

He has not communicated with us since he came back from Germany and brought us our souvenirs.

I even tried messaging him, and he ignored me.

Fine.

I never got an apology for that horrendous event last Christmas Eve, so I am really okay with him estranging himself.

Unfortunately, Dave is too.  It's sad, but it is what it is.

Here are some pictures!

 This kitchen was MUCH bigger, but there was no table, just this breakfast bar. We had to sit on pillows because it was so high.

 Cabin 7

 After settling in on Wednesday

 The Thanksgiving table after turning off the overhead lights

 Centerpiece before everything was ready. Native stone, fallen leaves, and tiny acorn from right around the cabin.  I have had the antler for ages, and brought it along.

 Friday's full moon

Friday's fire that I kept going until all of that beautiful wood was used...this is the best picture of the whole bunch!

Thanks for waiting a week for pictures!  I have time today to do stuff like this!  

In the fireplace pictures, you can see the odd black metal barrier around the opening.  That thing was really in the way, blocking our view of the fire, and making the fire harder to work.

The great news is, WE GOT CABIN #13 back for next year!  That's the one that has always been our favorite.  The people who were in that one this year left before we did, and did not re-book it! Yay!!

We had it reserved in 2013 when Dave's mom asked us not to go.  We canceled it and never got it back.  It's really the best one, with a real open fireplace (without a weird barrier), a table AND a breakfast bar, and an enclosed porch, for $11 more a night.

A side note about what we ate, and the immediate change I saw in my body!!

We have a tradition of having Kraft Mac and Cheese with smoked sausage in it on our Thanksgiving trip.   It's the only time all year that I allow us to eat Kraft Mac and Cheese, and it is a sentimental favorite from both of our childhoods. It's not just because we have gone low carb that I don't make this for us....it goes all the way back to before we started low carb.

I don't make it because it's CRAP!!! 

But, for Thanksgiving, I make enough for 2 full meals of it.

Then, of course, there was the pie (which I baked myself this year--pumpkin in a pecan praline crust), and the biscuits and honey, jam, or cranberry compote.... and the cranberry compote itself, which has sugar and orange juice in it, and orange juice.

Translation:  LOTS of carbs!

I gained 4 pounds in 4 days.  BANG.  Instantly....  just from adding back in the types of carbs we have been avoiding since August.

It was really interesting, and eye opening.

Those 4 pounds are gone now, and I have learned a lot about how and why I was previously so frustrated by the weight gain caused by my medication.

Here it is, December already.  How the heck did that happen?

We used yesterday to get all of our errands done.  Dave went and took care of his dad, while I went out and did all of our errands on my own. 

This is kind of momentous.  I have only this year started doing stuff on my own.  I've allowed myself to become overly dependent on Dave, which is really weird for me, looking back on my life.

When I first moved down here, I was completely dependent upon him out of necessity, but now I mostly can fend for myself, as long as I don't get into an area I haven't been to before.

Doing our weekly errands doesn't involve that risk, so there's no reason for us to do them together anymore.

I've done part of the errands on my own before, to improve our use of time, but never all of them on my own.  

It was a MUCH more efficient use of time, and we were both home by lunch! (the only mistake I made was not taking enough bags into the stores, and having to struggle to lift too much weight, HAHA!)

So we have today off, which we usually have a hard time accomplishing.  

Trying to create a new routine that removes weekly date night so we can save money, and re-arranges when we do the errands so that we actually have some time to relax, is a process that is evolving.

We did well this weekend, time wise, but we still spent money on an unplanned meal out.  Gotta work on that.

Dave has to travel for work tomorrow and Tuesday.  There is supposed to be snow and ice.  He was able to upgrade his rental vehicle to a bigger, SUV type.   This was because I insisted he do that!

We haven't been in our hot tub for weeks.   It's either been too cold or too windy, or both.  It's awful getting out of it when it's 20 degrees and windy!

I think the thing I hate the most about Oklahoma is the wind, which can be truly relentless.  It was awful yesterday, so we missed another chance to get in the tub.

Dave opened it up for me, and I checked the chemistry and cleaned up some scum.  The wind raged, so we closed it back up and went inside.  *sad face*

Maybe today...?  Before it gets dark?  Sigh....