What I know so far

Ugh....could NOT sleep last night.

Had calls from 4 people.  I don't normally talk on the phone much, but it was really good to do so last night.

I waited all day yesterday for the clinic to call, and they never did.  The anxiety was overwhelming, so I called them at 4:30.

The girl who answered the phone seemed stunned that I had undergone a biopsy first thing Monday morning, and that I hadn't heard anything yet by 4:30 Wednesday.

She put me on hold, and the doctor, not a nurse, answered the line.

My heart sank.

She said she had been waiting to hear back from my gynecologist before calling me, and apologized for the wait.

She said it's invasive ductal carcinoma. She said the good news is it's the most common type of breast cancer, which was a bit comforting.

We will talk again today.

The first thing that has to happen is an MRI, then I will see a surgeon.

Hopefully this will be very soon.

Here we go

Time for the ride of my life.... ductal carcinoma, here I come.  You'd better run.

Feeling very positive and angry and resolved.

Biopsies are done

The biopsies were this morning, and I can safely say that I have never experienced anything more personally horrifying and brutal at the hands of medicine. It was indescribably awful.

There were two occasions upon which I literally screamed out in pain. Why the FUCK don't they do this under sedation? Everyone I have spoken to, either virtually or voice to ear, has said that core biopsies are normally done under sedation.

I was hoping that it would be better than the time 14 years ago, but it was far, far worse. 

Possibly because I had to have three done on one side, possibly because nothing in the methods of that type of procedure CAN be improved upon, and possibly because my nipples and areolae are the most sensitive parts of my entire body (and they jabbed one of the needles into the nipple--that was one of the screams, the other was the areola), or possibly because this was not an aspiration, but a taking of tissue cores.  Or a combination.

They told me for the first time today that they didn't find any cysts...all they found were masses.  Interesting tidbit for them NOT to have told me previously....but maybe that was better, since I had to wait a week.  

Knowing that for a week while waiting for this hell would probably have been even worse than it already was.

Anyway, I've never had a mass before. Always just dense tissue and cysts.

So, now, I have 3 holes in my breast, can't shower for 2 days, and can only take Tylenol for 2 days, which means I can't drink.  

How I would LOVE a bottle of wine and a soak in the hot tub, but no wine until the Tylenol is out of my liver, and no soaking or baths until Saturday at the earliest.

I should have results tomorrow, and I'm terrified. 

I have to work tomorrow, but I will work with xanax in my blood stream because I can't function under this kind of stress.

If it's cancer, I have no idea what I will do.  

I feel as though I will shatter into a million pieces.  

But after I do that, I suppose I will fight. I have to. For my Sister. For my Aunt. For my Grandmother. For my friends who have beaten it.

I've spent the day dealing with waves of nausea, bouts of uncontrollable sobbing and shaking (they said the "numbing"medication they injected into my breast would make me shake), and periods where the tears just flow down my face.  

I am in a great deal of discomfort as well. (Tylenol doesn't do shit.) The ice packs they gave me only stay cold for about 5 minutes, and inside the sports bra, they just feel like they put on unwanted pressure...so they haven't really been helping. The pain comes in waves, and it's sharp and deep. I'm also oozing all over the bandages and bra, but I can't take the bandages off until tomorrow.

In addition to that, my whole body hurts from having every muscle tightened up for an hour and a half in a really uncomfortable position (right arm over my head, being HELD DOWN by a tech who was holding my hand and comforting me, but also restraining me), block under my upper back to lift the exposed breast up as high as possible, so my neck was unsupported, and my legs turned to the side so my low back was twisted.  They gave me a knee pillow, but it was still really bad.

I'm basically about as miserable as I have ever been in my life, in this regard.

But that should improve pretty quickly as the tissue recovers. My breast will be purple for a few weeks, and I will be left with scars, but the pain will diminish gradually, hopefully starting tomorrow.

So there it is.  

I'm not sure I can actually talk about it yet, but I can tell you how it went this way.

Boobs

Well, shit.

I have to have three biopsies of my right breast. Not one.  Three.

Ms. Right is exceptionally cysty and lumpy. My doctor said it was nothing unusual when she felt me up in July, so I didn't panic.

I just waited until my insurance would pay for a screening mammogram in November.

Then.

I had to go back for additional imaging.  Focal compressions. (read: OUCH)

When that proved unsatisfactory, they did an extensive ultrasound.


And then the doctor came into the room.

Shit.

Monday 12/8, 8 am.  Yippee.  Just have to maintain sanity until then.  The waiting is the worst part.

Pictures from Greenleaf- click image to enlarge

To my sister...

Hey, you remember that thing we talked about?  You know...the thing for him?

Is it okay if I send it as MY gift to him?  Because, well, I have it covered. 2, in fact.

The wonders of the internet!

Hope you had a great time with AJ!  Saw some pictures on facebook.

We're off to our cabin in the woods on Weds.  House sitter is all set up....

As for our wish list...well, more cool place mats and cloth napkins, tea lights,  would be awesome.

What do YOU want?

Love you....

OH, and p.s., I had another abnormal mammogram, forgot to tell you... follow ups are Tues.

Not much going on

Sorry it's been a while.  Not much going on.

Black Peter is growing, Annabel is barely tolerating him.  They play together, but she frequently just goes after him somewhat aggressively, especially if he is near one of us.  Jealous much?

But most nights, things are pretty peaceful between them with all of us in the bed.

Pete, however, gets "aggressively affectionate" with me in the middle of the night, or very early in the mornings.  I have not been getting enough sleep since he moved in with us in Sept.

He is getting less needy a little at a time, though.  I found that while I was off work, and he had access to me during the day, the nights were more peaceful.

That's it.  I just need to not have to work anymore

New car had a wheel bearing that was bad, which the dealer service  center didn't have in their parts department.  I know, right?  Took a week for them to get one in, now it's fixed.  $100.00 deductible.

We took a few days off work for a nice mental health break.  Much needed, somewhat effective.

This past Monday, it was 80 degrees.  Tuesday, it was 30, and we only just got above freezing again today.  Hoping that this extended deep freeze killed all of the ragweed and other fall allergens.

The flower bed is all wilted and dead, though.  The leaves that haven't already fallen off of the trees are still green, and totally shriveled.

Not much autumn color for us this year.  Only a few trees here and there had turned or started to turn, and now the rest just won't.

Anyway, it got up into the low 40s today, but tomorrow's high will be 30, and they're predicting snow.  Gonna stay in and make soup.

Getting ready for Thanksgiving a little at a time.

Dave's dad seems to be holding his own.  He fell in the house a couple of weeks ago, and cut his chin, but it wasn't too bad.  Dave was able to get the blood out of the light colored carpet.

Other aspects are more stressful, and not really for public posting....but we're managing.

Our friends Peter and Rita (Dave has known them since 1989) relocated to Seattle.  I haven't made a lot of friends here, so I was sad to say good bye to them yesterday.

Nothing else to report.  Kinda nice to have nothing going on.  Off to have dinner with our young friends who used to work at the wine bar.