Moving right along...

I did end up getting another biopsy taken on Monday morning, at the north side facility, with a different doctor who was FAR more compassionate and concerned with my comfort.

I had some pain after for a few hours, but mostly, I reacted to the tape.  There's very little bruising and far less pain than the first 3.

Unfortunately, the biopsy came back positive also, but for a different kind of cancer.

Lobular this time.  It says on line that's the 2nd most common type.  At least I am staying in the common range (ductal is the most common).  Not all of the tissue he withdrew was fully cancerous. Some was precancerous.

Mammography missed it.  The MRI is what found it.

Anyway, while at the breast center Monday morning, they drew my blood to run the genetic testing that I thought I had 3 years ago (turns out the tech I saw there 3 years ago was fired...I could not remember if she ever drew my blood, turns out she did not. She just had me do a questionnaire).

The breast center also referred me to an oncologist, faxed all of my data over to him, and on that same day, his office called.

I have my first appointment in about an hour and a half.  They felt it was important that I see him before I see the surgeon.   There's a possibility that he may want me to start chemo BEFORE I have any cutting done.

Anyway, why the south side facility said nothing about an oncologist, I will never know.

I won't be going back to the south side.

I just got off the phone with the doctor who bore the bad news, and he was going to call the oncologist immediately to be sure the information is transferred over there before I arrive at 2:45.

The surgeon will also receive this new information before I see her on Tuesday.

Anybody out there who is thinking they just can't catch a break?  Here's some perspective for you.

At least you aren't me right now.

Christmas Eve

I am doing my best to focus on the cranberry sauce.  The spoon bread.

And, of course, the ham.

Our ham is only about 12 pounds this year....a welcome change!  They're usually overwhelmingly large, even though I ask for the smallest available when I place my order.

It's a little after noon, and it's about that time.

Soon, the windows will steam up, the Messiah will be playing...

... and the ghosts will whisper...


"Merry Christmas, little one.   Merry Christmas."

I'm wearing my perfume

I'm wearing my perfume.

For some reason, things like perfume have always been things that I have "saved" to use once in a while, or on special occasions.

A silent tape in my head says that luxuries are not to be wasted or trifled away.

I think I learned that from my parents, who were formed by the depression.  They lived through a time of overwhelming national lack and loss, and it became part of them.

I am sure that they imparted some of that type of sensibility into their children.

But you know what?

Perfume goes bad.

It does!  If it sits for years, the scent changes, it goes stale.

It becomes something you throw away.

And what's the point of having something nice if I never use it?

What's the point of not living my life fully every day, no matter what?

I have already learned a big lesson in this dance with cancer.

I'm wearing my perfume.  On Saturdays.  When I am dressed in my sweats.

Because I love it, and it makes me feel good.

I'm using my expensive moisturizer.

I'm sleeping as much as I can (sometimes with the help of prescribed medication..and I am giving myself permission to say THAT'S OKAY).

I'm stretching, and exercising, and eating well, and drinking lots of water, and breathing, and crying if I need to.

I need to nurture myself, nourish myself, and cherish myself.

Not just now, AND NOT just because there's something unwelcome TEMPORARILY growing in my body... but always.

Because life is supposed to be lived.  Celebrated.  Enjoyed. Luxuriated - in.

It's a gift to use up before it goes stale....to experience, and wear with our sweats on Saturdays.

Happy Solstice...happy new chapter to all of my loved ones, blood and chosen.  May we all learn big lessons that improve our lives in the new year.

One more

The MRI revealed an area of concern on the left.

Ultrasound and probably another biopsy on 12/29.

I freaked out for a few minutes, but then I started feeling good about it.  Better to find it now than have to go through this again in 6 months!!

This way, the surgeon has ALL available information when I meet with her on 1/6.

People are telling me I am being treated at the best possible hospital for this kind of situation, and that my surgeon is AWESOME.

That all helps.

Now, just trying to relax (my gyne gave me another scrip for xanax. I still had 4 left from a year and a half ago, but this level of anxiety requires more to get through it), and focus on taking care of myself, and enjoying the holidays.

Solstice night is tomorrow night, and I only have to work 2 days next week because we automagically get Christmas Eve off, and I took one of my floating holidays for Boxing Day....so it will be nice to rest and relax for 5 days before the next trip to the breast center.

Company party was last night, and I THINK they rigged it so that I won the free day off.  Pretty cool.  Now I can save a day off just for me when this is all over.

Next steps and thoughts....

Monday morning is the MRI..then I don't have to do anything else until Jan. 6, when I go for the surgical consult.

I can just try to 'be' during the holidays, and I like that idea.

Yesterday, I experienced my first full day since diagnosis without crying, and without panic.  I call that a win!

The breast and arm pit still hurt a bit, but the spots are doing great, and feel a LOT better than just yesterday, even.  There wasn't any blood yesterday, either, for the first time, so this morning, I was not afraid in the shower.

Ahhhh.....FINALLY washed the entire area under running water.

My breast looks tie dyed, though...I posted on facebook that it's proof that I am a hippie at heart!

Reframing....reframing....reframing.


I do NOT... "have" cancer.

Cancer exists in part of my body, but I claim NO possession of it.  None what so ever. It's not mine, and I don't HAVE it.

I claim no affiliation with it.

It is an unwelcome spirit.  It is an interloper.  An invasive species of the body.

And it WILL be cast out.  Fully.

What I know so far

Ugh....could NOT sleep last night.

Had calls from 4 people.  I don't normally talk on the phone much, but it was really good to do so last night.

I waited all day yesterday for the clinic to call, and they never did.  The anxiety was overwhelming, so I called them at 4:30.

The girl who answered the phone seemed stunned that I had undergone a biopsy first thing Monday morning, and that I hadn't heard anything yet by 4:30 Wednesday.

She put me on hold, and the doctor, not a nurse, answered the line.

My heart sank.

She said she had been waiting to hear back from my gynecologist before calling me, and apologized for the wait.

She said it's invasive ductal carcinoma. She said the good news is it's the most common type of breast cancer, which was a bit comforting.

We will talk again today.

The first thing that has to happen is an MRI, then I will see a surgeon.

Hopefully this will be very soon.

Here we go

Time for the ride of my life.... ductal carcinoma, here I come.  You'd better run.

Feeling very positive and angry and resolved.

Biopsies are done

The biopsies were this morning, and I can safely say that I have never experienced anything more personally horrifying and brutal at the hands of medicine. It was indescribably awful.

There were two occasions upon which I literally screamed out in pain. Why the FUCK don't they do this under sedation? Everyone I have spoken to, either virtually or voice to ear, has said that core biopsies are normally done under sedation.

I was hoping that it would be better than the time 14 years ago, but it was far, far worse. 

Possibly because I had to have three done on one side, possibly because nothing in the methods of that type of procedure CAN be improved upon, and possibly because my nipples and areolae are the most sensitive parts of my entire body (and they jabbed one of the needles into the nipple--that was one of the screams, the other was the areola), or possibly because this was not an aspiration, but a taking of tissue cores.  Or a combination.

They told me for the first time today that they didn't find any cysts...all they found were masses.  Interesting tidbit for them NOT to have told me previously....but maybe that was better, since I had to wait a week.  

Knowing that for a week while waiting for this hell would probably have been even worse than it already was.

Anyway, I've never had a mass before. Always just dense tissue and cysts.

So, now, I have 3 holes in my breast, can't shower for 2 days, and can only take Tylenol for 2 days, which means I can't drink.  

How I would LOVE a bottle of wine and a soak in the hot tub, but no wine until the Tylenol is out of my liver, and no soaking or baths until Saturday at the earliest.

I should have results tomorrow, and I'm terrified. 

I have to work tomorrow, but I will work with xanax in my blood stream because I can't function under this kind of stress.

If it's cancer, I have no idea what I will do.  

I feel as though I will shatter into a million pieces.  

But after I do that, I suppose I will fight. I have to. For my Sister. For my Aunt. For my Grandmother. For my friends who have beaten it.

I've spent the day dealing with waves of nausea, bouts of uncontrollable sobbing and shaking (they said the "numbing"medication they injected into my breast would make me shake), and periods where the tears just flow down my face.  

I am in a great deal of discomfort as well. (Tylenol doesn't do shit.) The ice packs they gave me only stay cold for about 5 minutes, and inside the sports bra, they just feel like they put on unwanted pressure...so they haven't really been helping. The pain comes in waves, and it's sharp and deep. I'm also oozing all over the bandages and bra, but I can't take the bandages off until tomorrow.

In addition to that, my whole body hurts from having every muscle tightened up for an hour and a half in a really uncomfortable position (right arm over my head, being HELD DOWN by a tech who was holding my hand and comforting me, but also restraining me), block under my upper back to lift the exposed breast up as high as possible, so my neck was unsupported, and my legs turned to the side so my low back was twisted.  They gave me a knee pillow, but it was still really bad.

I'm basically about as miserable as I have ever been in my life, in this regard.

But that should improve pretty quickly as the tissue recovers. My breast will be purple for a few weeks, and I will be left with scars, but the pain will diminish gradually, hopefully starting tomorrow.

So there it is.  

I'm not sure I can actually talk about it yet, but I can tell you how it went this way.

Boobs

Well, shit.

I have to have three biopsies of my right breast. Not one.  Three.

Ms. Right is exceptionally cysty and lumpy. My doctor said it was nothing unusual when she felt me up in July, so I didn't panic.

I just waited until my insurance would pay for a screening mammogram in November.

Then.

I had to go back for additional imaging.  Focal compressions. (read: OUCH)

When that proved unsatisfactory, they did an extensive ultrasound.


And then the doctor came into the room.

Shit.

Monday 12/8, 8 am.  Yippee.  Just have to maintain sanity until then.  The waiting is the worst part.