Written by one of my very best friends

Dear Paula's Boobs,

You betrayed us all when you tried to kill Paula. Her minions just don't tolerate that kind of behavior, you know. You have been sentenced, and you have less than 48 hours left to be attached to one of the most wonderful people around. I know you will be missed, but it is simply unforgivable how you turned on the person who has taken care of you all these years...making sure you were properly supported, getting you checked out every year to make sure you were healthy. I mean, seriously. How could you do such a thing? Yes, you'll be missed....every time she tries on a shirt. Every time she sees the empty space where her bras used to live. Every time she catches her profile in a mirror. Every time she slips a couple prostheses into her dance costume. Every time one of us sees her and inadvertently glances at where you used to be. Every time she hugs someone and her boobs aren't in the way. But you know what? The tiny pang of missing you is NOTHING compared to the joy that comes from NOT having to miss HER. So....goodbye boobies. You and your little lymph node friends can just go away. Buh-bye. In the big picture, you won't be missed THAT much. We get to keep Paula, which is all we really want.

(Not) Yours Truly,
Jessie